Cut
by xXBlissfulCursesXx
Summary: Elliot saw Olivia’s expression falter from behind the glass as the woman’s words flowed from her lips. He cringed as he watched her crumble inside. Olivia self harms. Dont like? Don't read. EO. DISCONTINUED.
1. Winking

**Authors Note -**

**OK. This is a story called "Cut". I've been handwriting this in a notebook for a bit over a week so chapters should be up pretty quick unless the even of hmework interfers.**

**This story does deal with "Self Harm" so if that makes anyone uncomfortable don't read it. It gets pretty confronting but one of my friends really liked it and he said I should post it.**

**Anyway, please R&R. No flames please, just advice or compliments.**

* * *

Olivia sat in the interrogation room. The victims name was Stephanie Merlock. Olivia stood as Stephanie entered the room. 

"Hi Stephanie, I'm Olivia." She introduced herself.

"Hi." Stephanie sat down nervously.

"Stephanie, could you please take me through what happened on the night of August 15th, 2007?" Olivia asked getting right down to business.

Stephanie nodded and began to tell the story of the pain that her rapist had inflicted on her as she shed her tears. Olivia had to prompt her a couple of times but otherwise it was a good interview.

Afterwards, Stephanie burst into tears.

"It's going to be ok." Olivia tried to reassure the young woman.

Stephanie let out a slight laugh, "At least he wore a condom. When my mother was raped he didn't where a condom and that's the reason that I'm here." She sighed.

Elliot saw Olivia's expression falter from behind the glass as the woman's words flowed from her lips. He cringed as he watched her crumble inside.

"You were a product of rape?" Olivia breathed.

It sounded harsh, and in a way it was, but Olivia hadn't meant for it to come out that way.

Stephanie nodded.

Elliot walked in a second later, "Stephanie you're free to go. We'll call you if we need anymore information."

Stephanie got up and left the room without another word.

Elliot looked to where Olivia was still sitting. He could see the tears threatening to fall as she reminisced about her own childhood.

"You ok, Liv?" He asked.

Olivia nodded, a single tear dropping onto the table in front of her as she did so. Her stomach was churning; she needed to get out of there.

"Can you tell Cragen that I felt sick and went home?" Olivia asked Elliot, knowing Cragen was on his lunch break, "I might be back later."

"Yeah, sure Liv." Elliot sighed sympathetically.

"Thanks." Olivia got up and pushed past Elliot. She quickly picked up her coat and walked out of the squad room.

---

As she drove home she let the tears fall as the song _"Crash and Burn_" came on the radio.

_**When you feel all alone  
And the world has turned its back on you  
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart  
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you  
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold  
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore…**_

Olivia couldn't help thinking how ironic it was.

_**Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone**_

As she listened she found herself thinking about Elliot, she began to cry harder.

_**When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one way street  
With the monsters in your head  
When hopes and dreams are far away and  
You feel like you can't face the day…  
**_

**Somehow, she doubted these lyrics very much so.**

_**When you feel all alone  
And the world has turned its back on you  
Give me a moment please  
To tame your wild wild heart**__  
_Olivia's vision was clouded by her tears and she was amazed she had managed to make it to her street ok._  
__**Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone**_

Olivia pulled into her drive way and turned the keys in the ignition, switching the car off as the song ended.

She stumbled into her apartment as sobs racked her body. She made her way to the kitchen and crumbled to the floor. She sat against a cupboard and cried her eyes out. She took her breath in great hiccupping gulps. She quickly stood and leant over the sink, just in time to be sick. She rinsed her mouth out and wiped it with a tea towel. That's when she noticed the silver bladed, black handled knife winking at her on the kitchen bench

---

Cragen had returned from his lunch break and Elliot had already informed him of Olivia's status. Cragen thought it was a bit strange because Olivia never got sick but nonetheless he didn't want to bother her, at least not until he needed her. Instead, Cragen sent out Munch and Fin and left Elliot to do desk duty.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter and let me know if I should continue.**

**Much love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	2. Black handle, silver blade

**Authors note -**

**So here's chapter two. Hope you like.**

**I've already started typing chapter three so it should be up either tomorrow or the next day.**

**Right now I have to start on chapter 9 of "Confessions" or chapter 5 of "Accidents Happen".**

**If you like this story then I suggest you check them out as well.**

**Anyway, don't forget to review.**

**If I owned SVU then this would be shown on TV and not written down here but they wouldn't take my thirty-five cents and old movie tickets left in my wallet so for now you're going to have to read and not watch.**

**By the way: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. You made me want to get this up even quicker.**

**This is for FabSVUFan, hope this sends chills more than the last one.**

* * *

Olivia had come to know the black handled, silver bladed knife quite well over time. She picked it up and sunk back to the floor. She rolled up her pants once again and took the blade in her right hand. She never used her wrist, it was too obvious, instead she moved her leg so she could see the inside of her left calf. It was already pretty scratched and scared but a few more wouldn't do any more damage. She pressed the blade to her skin and dragged the tip along her leg. It reminded her of a poem she once heard. 

_She watches as the deep crimson moves_

_W__ith the rhythm of her heart_

_The blood spills_

_The cut filling_

_Red and dark_

_She sighs as the pain washes away her hate_

_The feeling of bliss; faded away in wait._

That's how she felt. She repeated the process a few more times then moved to her right leg. There was momentary relief but she needed something stronger. She shifted her position so the out side of her right calf was showing. She pressed down harder, letting the blade sink into her flesh as she dragged the blade towards her knee.

The cut was deep.

Too deep.

Olivia quickly grabbed the tea towel off the bench and the phone from its cradle.

She dropped to the floor again, her leg no longer able to support her. Her sock was red now and her blood was smeared across her floor. She quickly wrapped the tea towel around her calf and applied pressure.

It wasn't helping.

The tea towel was almost completely red with her blood after thirty seconds. She was beginning to feel woozy and light headed. She picked up the phone and hit speed dial 1. She waited for the other person to pick up and after a couple of rings they did.

"Hey, Olivia." Elliot answered.

Olivia wasn't able to reply, by now she was really dizzy.

"Liv?" Elliot asked.

No reply.

"Olivia?" Elliot asked again, concern filling his voice.

"El…" Was Olivia's breathless reply before Elliot heard the phone being dropped.

Olivia fell to the floor as well and all that could be heard were Elliot's muffled calls from the phone.

---

Elliot's mobile started ringing as he looked through one of their old case files. It started playing the song "With or Without You" by U2.

_Damn, why did__ Olivia have to change his ring tone?_

Elliot checked the caller ID: Olivia Home.

He quickly flipped it open and answered.

"Hey, Olivia."

All Elliot could hear was shallow breathing.

"Liv?" Elliot asked into the phone.

More shallow breathing.

"Olivia?" He asked again, concern filling his voice.

"El…" He heard Olivia's breathless reply followed by the sound of the phone being dropped and a thud.

"Olivia? Liv, are you okay?" Elliot kept asking, "Olivia, answer me!"

No reply.

Elliot closed his phone and headed for Cragen's office.

"Liv just called, I'm going to check if she's ok." Elliot said slightly panicked.

Cragen raised his eyebrows, "Ok Elliot, but no longer than an hour and a half."

Elliot nodded, "Ok, Cap."

He quickly rushed out of the office, grabbed his jacket then ran out of the precinct.

He fumbled with his keys as he tried to force them into the ignition. He finally got his car started and was on his way to Olivia's. As he drove all he could hear was the way Olivia had said his name. It echoed around his head, taunting his mind. He kept thinking of all the different scenarios that could have possibly occurred to cause Olivia to sound that way. The best being she had fainted or slipped, the worst…the worst being that she had been raped. He tried not to think about that, although, that was where his mind seemed to stay.

Finally he reached Olivia's apartment. As he got out of his car he saw a young man exiting the building, "Hey hold the door." He called, pulling out his badge and flashing it.

The man did as he was told and held the door for Elliot. Elliot ran up the stairs, two at a time until he reached Olivia's door.

Olivia heard a thump in the distance. She couldn't concentrate on the sound as it became softer, slowly dissipating into nothing.

Elliot knocked louder on Olivia's door.

Still no answer.

He knocked harder, pounding the door with his fist. He reached down to the door handle and tried it. Amazingly, it wasn't locked. Elliot figured she must have been in a rush or something.

He swung the door open and stepped inside. He had his hand on his gun, not sure why though; if somebody else had been there they would be long gone.

He looked to his left and saw Olivia immediately. She was lying on the ground in a slight "L" shape. Her back was against the cupboards and her legs were to the side. Her blood was everywhere. At first he couldn't see where it was coming from, then he saw the blood soaked tea towel. As soon as the shock had passed through him, Elliot rushed to Olivia's side.

"Olivia!!" Elliot yelled.

He began to stroke her hair and whisper things, telling her she was going to be ok, going to be alright, as he picked the phone up off the ground. He quickly dialed 911 and waited for dispatch to pick up.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I need a bus." Elliot said in a shaky breath.

He gave all the necessary details then hung up.

"They're going to be here in five minutes, Honey." Elliot whispered to her, "Stay with me, Olivia, be strong." He added, almost in tears.

He reached over and gently lifted the tea towel revealing the deep gash in her leg. Elliot realized her blood was still flowing freely. He looked around her kitchen for another tea towel or something to stop the blood. He couldn't find anything so he quickly took off his jacket. He pressed down on her leg and saw he flinch at the pressure.

_That's a good sign, right?_ He thought to himself.

Elliot kept the pressure on her wound until the paramedics arrived three minutes later. Elliot stood up and let them do their work. They got Olivia on the gurney and carried her out of the apartment. Elliot was about to follow when he saw the knife on the floor. It only had a small amount of blood on it but he knew that's what had been the implement to inflict Olivia's injury. Elliot picked up Olivia's keys and shut the door behind him, making sure it was locked.

Elliot ran down the stairs after the paramedics and caught up to them quickly. As they put her into the ambulance Elliot heard Olivia say something.

"Honey, can you say that again." He said getting in the back of the ambulance with her.

"Elliot…"she murmured and dropped her hand, letting it go limp.

Elliot took hold of it, "You're gonna be fine, Honey." He whispered kissing her hand.

As they rode to the hospital the paramedics placed a whole heap of different cables over Olivia. All Elliot could do was sit there and wonder how Olivia had managed to do something like this.

* * *

**Ok people,**

**You know the drill:**

**Click the little bluey-purple button just down there.**

**Yep, that's the one.**

**Now type your thoughts; Ideas, advice, anything.**

**Have fun,**

**Lots of love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	3. Blood

**Authors Note:**

**Here's chapter 3**

**I hope you like it.**

**It's 4:30 in the morning and I am about to fall flat faced on the keyboard coz I am so tired.**

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf wouldn't accept my offer of the $2:50 I have in my wallet so I guess I don't own them - TearSigh**

**This chapter is for NettieC, Olivia-Jordan and Ad Hominem Argument : Thanks heaps girlies, you're awesome!!**

**Enjoy...**

* * *

When they pulled up the doors of the ambulance flew open. The paramedics pulled Olivia out and began to wheel her into the ambulance entrance. Elliot ran to catch up and followed them in.

"Sorry Sir, but you can't come past this point." One of the paramedics said.

Elliot stopped.

"Can you tell us her name?" The young guy asked.

"Olivia Benson." Elliot swallowed hard.

"Ok. Can you please fill this out?" The paramedic handed Elliot a form, clipboard and pen, "Just go through those doors there and hand it to the nurse's desk when you're done."

Elliot did as he was told and went into the waiting room.

When he had finished filling in the form he gave it to one of the nurses and sat back down in his plastic chair. It was then that he realized he had to call Cragen. It had already been and hour.

"Hi Elliot." Came Cragen's voice down the phone.

"Hi Cap." Elliot knew he sounded exhausted.

"What's wrong?" Cragen asked wearily.

"I'm gonna need more than an hour and a half."

"Why…?" Asked Cragen.

"I'm at the hospital." Elliot sighed.

"Oh my god, what happened!?" Cragen was shocked.

"Liv had an accident, cut her leg, lots of blood." Elliot was on the verge of tears.

"How?"

"I don't know. A knife or something."

Cragen could tell by the sound of Elliot's voice that he shouldn't push it.

Ok, don't worry about it. Give me a call later when you know what's going on. What hospital are you at?" Cragen sighed.

"Mercy General." Elliot replied.

"Ok. Call Casey and let her know and I'll let Fin and Munch know."

"Ok, Cap. Bye." Elliot hung up and dialed Casey's number.

"Casey Novak, Assistant District Attorney." Casey answered.

"Hi Casey, it's me." Elliot sighed grimly.

"Oh hey Elliot, what's up?" She asked.

"Liv's in hospital; cut her leg."

"Oh my god, I'll be right there. What hospital?" Casey asked frantically.

"Mercy General." Elliot sighed.

"Ok, bye." Casey hung up the phone and Elliot snapped his shut.

He slowly sank down into his chair and rested his head in his hands.

---

Casey walked in twenty minutes later and spotted Elliot immediately; He was hunched over in his chair, head in his hands.

She walked over and sat next to him, "Any news yet?" She asked.

Elliot just shook his head.

After that they sat in silence.

"She lost a lot of blood." Elliot suddenly spoke up.

"How'd it happen, how'd she do it?" Casey asked.

"Dunno." Elliot replied, sitting up properly.

Casey looked at Elliot and immediately noticed his eyes. They were puffy and slightly bloodshot, no longer holding their bright blue quality but a dull bluish grey instead.

Casey was asleep when Fin and Munch turned up and Elliot was so numb to the world that he didn't even notice them there. Fin sat down next to Elliot and Munch next to Casey. Munch was careful not to wake her because she looked like she needed the rest.

"How is she?" Fin asked Elliot.

Elliot didn't respond.

"Hey, Elliot." Fin said touching his shoulder.

"What?" Elliot turned to Fin, "Oh, hi Fin."

Elliot returned to his former state of facing forwards but noticed Munch as well, "Hey Munch." He said wearily.

Munch nodded in return.

"How is she?" Fin asked again.

"Don't know." Elliot answered for the third time today.

Just then a doctor came out, "Could I see the people here for Olivia Benson?"

"Over here." Fin put his hand in the air.

The doctor walked over to the small group and observed their anxious appearance, "Hi, I'm Dr. Michaels." She said.

"Hi." Munch nodded.

"How is she?" Elliot asked desperately.

"She lost a lot of blood." Dr Michaels began.

Casey had woken by now and shuddered as she tried to suppress her sobs. Munch put his arm around her and let her cry on his shoulder.

"She's okay." Dr. Michaels continued, "The surgery went well but she'll be on crutches for at least two weeks."

They all sighed with relief.

"What surgery?" Fin asked.

"The cut was fairly deep so we had to repair the damage in surgery." Dr. Michaels answered.

"When can we see her?" Elliot asked.

"You can see her now if you'd just follow me."

The group got up and followed Dr. Michaels down the corridors. The reached room 129 and Dr. Michaels stopped in front of it.

"Now, I'd prefer it if you only went in one at a time." She said.

They all looked at Elliot, assuming he would g first.

"Casey, you should go first." Elliot said.

"Err…ok." Casey followed the doctor into Olivia's room as the three men stayed outside in silence.

Casey came out three minutes later and then Fin went in. Next it was Munch's turn.

When Munch came out Elliot looked at the rest of the group before entering himself. He opened the door and stepped inside.

He saw Olivia lying in the bed in a gown, oxygen mask on her face, her hair all over the pillow and some strewn across her face. Her head was lulling side to side as she mumbled something. Elliot walked over to her bed and took hold of her hand and brushed her hair out of her face.

"What's your relationship with Ms. Benson? " Dr Michaels asked.

"We're partners at the Manhattan SVU. We're best friends; I've known her for nearly nine years." Elliot answered not looking up from Olivia.

"Well, do you know how long she's been cutting for?" Dr. Michaels asked.

"What!?" Elliot asked, now looking up.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

**Omg. I am so tired.**

**Review - PLEASE!!**

**It's 4:30am and because I promissed I would have this up sometime tonight - it's up. So now, the nice thing to do would be review. Let me know if i screwed anything major up. I'm really tired and can't think very vertically (I felt the word "straight" is used to often). **

**Anyway,**

**Nighty night,**

**All you good people.**

**Lot's of love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	4. Snap

**Authors Note - **

**Hello all you lovely people. Here is chapter 4.**

**This is for Olivia Jordan because she is a fabulous chick-a-dee and she requested that I get my butt moving on this one.**

**Discaliamer - Has Kathy or Dani died in a massive freak blimp accident yet?..."no" you say...well, I guess I don't own it.**

**Hope you enjoy...**

* * *

"You didn't know?" Dr Michaels asked.

Elliot shook his head.

"Olivia's been cutting herself for sometime no. I was just wondering if you knew for how long." The doctor informed Elliot.

"I-I can't believe it." Elliot stammered.

The doctor pulled down Olivia's sheets, revealing faded scars, old scratches and fresh cuts from her knees down.

"Oh Liv." Elliot sighed turning back to his best friend and partner.

"There are two or three deeper ones on her thigh but I won't show you those." Dr. Michaels added.

Olivia groaned as the anesthetic began to wear off. Elliot noticed her shivering, immediately pulling the sheets back up.

"Can I have a couple of minutes alone with her?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah sure." Dr. Michaels walked out and closed the door behind herself.

Before Elliot even had time to sit down Casey had popped her head around the door.

"Fin and Munch are going to leave in a few and when they do I'm coming in as well."

Elliot nodded and Casey closed the door again.

He sat on the edge of her bed and began to stroke her hair, "Oh honey, why didn't you say anything?" He asked her, already knowing the answer.

Olivia didn't like to show her emotions; cutting would be a sign of weakness to Olivia and she didn't like to be thought of as weak. She must have been pretty desperate to resort to this.

As he played with her hair, Elliot noticed how beautiful Olivia was; not for the first time either. He knew she was beautiful bit he had never been in such a close proximity of her and had never felt the same desire for her as he did now.

A minute later Casey came in and sat down on the other side of the bed. Elliot decided to get off and sat in the chair instead.

Casey kicked off her heals and crawled further up onto the bed. She lay down next to Olivia, moving her hair so she didn't pull on it.

"I know how she did it." Elliot sighed; he knew he could trust Casey with this new information.

Casey looked up, "How?"

"She did it herself." Elliot said, rubbing his forehead.

"What?" Casey asked, obviously shocked.

Elliot nodded.

"Oh, Olivia." Casey sighed placing her arm across Olivia's waist and hugging her close.

After a couple of minutes Casey fell asleep with her arms around Olivia.

Elliot couldn't help thinking how cute _his girls_ looked. That's how he, Fin, Munch and Cragen thought of Casey and Olivia. They were _their girls_ and they all knew that if either of them knew that's how they were referred to then the guys would have their arses kicked. If anyone ever tried to harm Olivia or Casey they'd have their torches and pitchforks in no time.

Elliot pulled out his phone and took a photo then added it to a message to Cragen telling him that Olivia was ok and in room 129 if he wanted to come and check up on her.

---

When Cragen received the message from Elliot he smiled. He decided to go and see them now because he was free from paper work – for the moment. He left the precinct, got in his car and headed for Mercy General.

When he walked into Olivia's room the site he saw warmed his heart. All three of them were asleep. Casey lying next to, strawberry blonde strands tangled across her face an Elliot had Olivia's hand enveloped in his. He was sitting in the chair but his upper body was resting on the bed. And Olivia…Olivia looked pale and small under the sheets. Cragen felt his heart sink slightly. As he walked over to the bed Elliot jumped at the sound of the door closing.

"Hi Cap." Elliot rubbed his face.

"How's she doing?" Cragen asked, not taking his eyes off Olivia.

"She's okay for now. She had to have surgery on her leg because the cut penetrated her muscle." Elliot sighed.

"Geeze, El. How'd she manage that?" Cragen questioned.

"Not sure yet." Elliot lied.

He didn't want to let Cragen in on the little secret yet.

"Oh, ok." Cragen walked around the side of the bed and placed a fatherly kiss on Olivia's forehead then one on Case's. Neither of them stirred as he turned to leave.

"I better get back to the precinct before Fin and Munch burn it down." Cragen gave Elliot a small smile, "Look after her El."

"Sure thing." Elliot sighed as Cragen closed the door.

"Hey." Olivia smiled groggily as Elliot turned back to her.

"Hey, you're awake." He smiled somberly.

"Nice work detective. One gold star for you." Olivia sighed sarcastically.

Elliot shook his head, "You're lying in a bed hospital bed after having emergency surgery and you still have that famous Olivia Benson attitude."

"Well I _am_ Olivia Benson." She retorted.

Casey stirred at this and woke up.

"Oh, you're awake." Casey smiled at Olivia with a twinkle of concern in her eye.

"It would appear that way wouldn't it." Olivia replied with a touch or frost in her voice.

She saw the hurt in Casey's eyes as she got off the bed and put her shoes back on.

"I'm sorry Casey. I just hate being in hospital." Olivia sighed.

She knew Casey was only saying the first thing that popped into her head.

"That's fine. I've gotta go anyway." Casey said, waving her off.

"See you later Elliot. Bye Liv." She added closing the door behind her.

Olivia pushed herself further up in bed and leant against the pillows.

She was beginning to feel hot so she pulled her covers down a bit.

Elliot was slightly shocked at Olivia snapping at Casey. He had expected her to snap at him but not Casey.

They sat in silence, both feeling slightly hostile, neither looking at the other. Olivia was waiting for Elliot to ask her what had happened. She knew that he must already know something because he hadn't immediately said something.

Elliot was waiting for Olivia to tell him what happened. He knew she must have worked out that he knew something already because he hadn't immediately mentioned it.

She was a detective after all.

They sat like that for about ten minutes, waiting for the other to break. It was Elliot who finally gave in.

"What happened?" He asked.

When no response came he turned to face Olivia. He expected to see tears in her dark brown eyes but her trying to fight them back. He didn't expect to see her the way she was.

* * *

**Ok people. I know there is this cliffhanger and you all hate me right now but i promise that chapter 5 is almost done - yes that's right!! It should be up to night.**

**Gosh, where would you people be if I actually had a social life - Up "shit creek" is where...without a paddle and no new chapters...so why don't you thank me for not sending you up "shit creek" by dropping a review. (Yay!!)**

**Lots of love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	5. Entrapment

**Authors note - **

**Here's chapter 5.**

**This is for Olivia-Jordan again. If she didn't write such an awesome story then you wouldn't have this tonight.**

**Disclaimer: I tried hitting Dick Wolf with a bat but he still won't give them up!!**

**Hope you enjoy...**

* * *

Olivia's hand twitched slightly in her sleep as a strand of hair dropped from her face and onto the pillow.

Elliot shook his head and smiled.

_The wonderful effects of anesthetic…_

He watched Olivia. Every time her lips twitched or she mumbled something or her leg flinched he smiled. He never had a chance to see this side of her. The relaxed Olivia. He never had a chance to see her when she was at peace with everything… even if it was medically induced.

Soon her mumbling became more coherent. So far Elliot had worked out that her dream consisted of her, himself, Cragen and some random bad guy that she kept calling "Jones". Most of it was a couple of words here and there but some how he had pieced it together. For instance; "Jones…Jones…gitcha gun…stay, stop" meant "Jones, Jones, put down the gun. Elliot, get your gun. Jones stay where you are. Stop!"

What he had heard the clearest though was the hardest to decipher:

"Elliot… Elliot….urgh… Jones… no…I….I….I love…I love…I love…" She had whispered it breathlessly and afterwards said nothing.

Elliot sat there trying to think of what it could mean but struggled. He didn't get it.

Elliot watched Olivia kick her sheets off but he decided she was better off with them on. He got up and was about to pull them up when he saw the scars on her leg again.

Olivia was still asleep so Elliot sat down on her bed. He began to lightly trace the scars and scratches with his finger.

"Ask me." Olivia murmured quietly.

"Why?" He asked before looking up at her.

Tears brimmed her eyes as she looked down at her legs.

"Do you know how hard it is to live with the fact that you were you're a result of rape, the fact your own mother despised you because of it!? Do you know how hard it is to live with feeling that your life was a mistake all the time!?" Olivia turned away as trickled silently down her cheeks, "I needed a release El, I needed to stop myself from going for my wrists." Olivia was crying harder now although the sounds were barely audible.

Elliot realised she had trained herself to make as little sound as possible.

"Elliot, I needed something to stop me from going insane, because that's how I feel all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy everyday. Seeing Stephanie today just sent me over the edge and I needed something more than the temporary relief of the small cuts. I needed something that would last just that little bit longer." Olivia was taking her air in shallows breaths now.

"So you decided to off yourself?" Elliot asked.

Olivia looked hurt at Elliot's crassness, "No, I didn't try to _off myself_." She almost yelled, "See Elliot, this is why I didn't tell you! You don't get it!" Olivia was no longer crying now.

"Look, I'm sorry Liv." Elliot sighed, a slight hint of tears in his eyes.

He was about to continue when Olivia cut him off, "No, you're not, El. Get out of my room!" She told him sternly, raising her voice.

"But-"

"What did I say? Get the _**fuck**_ out of my room Detective _**Fucking**_ Stabler!"

Elliot stood, picked up his jacket and left the room. After Elliot closed the door and Olivia was positive he was he wasn't standing outside her room she began to cry again except this time she wasn't silent. She tried to pull her knees up to her chest but her right leg hurt like hell to move. Olivia gave up and threw herself back into the pillows, letting them swallow her existence. She lay like that, crying for an hour. She realised after the first ten minutes that she couldn't work out or remember why she was crying but she just couldn't seem to stop.

Eventually, she exhausted herself. With the combination of the anesthetic and her tears she was out like a light.

Elliot knew he should have left like Olivia had told him to but he couldn't. He didn't want to leave her while she was so fragile. She wanted everyone to believe she was strong and could fix everything but in truth, it was her who was broken.

She would never admit it but he knew. He had been sitting outside Olivia's room for an hour and a half when he got a caffeine craving. He waited for a nurse to go in and check on her before he left.

When the nurse walked in Olivia was asleep. The nurse checked her stats and all her vitals. It was when she was looking over her chart that Olivia began to mumble something.

The young nurse walked around to the side of Olivia's bed in order to hear her better.

"Elliot…Elliot…" The nurse realised Olivia was still asleep.

Olivia mumbled something incoherent then said "Elliot" again.

The nurse went back to check Olivia's IV.

"Elliot…Elliot…"Olivia sobbed.

She had a pained expression on her face so the nurse decided to wake her up.

"Ms. Benson, Ms. Benson, you need to wake up." The nurse touched Olivia's shoulder lightly.

Olivia took a short breath as she jolted awake. She slowly exhaled and looked up and the young girl standing over her.

"Sorry, why do I need to wake up?" Olivia asked her voice slightly horse.

"You were having a bad dream Ms. Benson and you looked in pain. Are you in pain?" The nurse answered.

"No, I'm fine." Olivia replied, "By the way, you can call me Olivia."  
"Alright Olivia, I'm Jackie." The young nurse introduced herself.

"Nice to meet you." Olivia smiled.

"As long as we're talking names, who's Elliot?" Jackie asked.

"What, why?" Olivia answered defensively.

"You've been mumbling the name 'Elliot'." Jackie had a small smile playing on her lips.

"Oh, um…he's nobody," Olivia sighed, "_He's no body_." She whispered.

"Yeah, I'm not buying it." Jackie grinned, "I'll be back in an hour to check on you." Jackie left quickly, not giving Olivia a chance to retort.

When Elliot went to get coffee he decided he had given Olivia enough time to cool down so he brought two. He walked back to her room and knocked lightly on the door before entering.

Elliot didn't say anything, instead handing Olivia her coffee. She took it gratefully but didn't say anything either. The two sat and drank their coffee in silence, bar the beeps coming from the machines that surrounded Olivia. It went on for a couple more minutes before Olivia spoke.

"Who else knows?" She asked, breaking the near silence.

"Only Casey." Elliot sighed, both of them staring blankly ahead.

"Oh." Olivia whispered.

"You didn't think I'd tell the guys, did you?" Elliot asked.

"Well, I thought you might have told Cragen." Olivia replied in a small voice that Elliot had never heard her use before.

"It's your secret to tell, Liv. The only reason I told Casey is because she's your best friend." Elliot said truthfully.

Best _girl_ friend." Olivia corrected.

Elliot turned to look at her.

"You're my best friend, El." Olivia gave him a small smile.

"So, you forgive me?" Elliot asked.

"Yes, I forgive you for being there for me." Olivia's smile broadened slightly.

"Liv, I mean for being insensitive." Elliot sighed.

"Oh, I didn't realise you had been." Olivia replied in mock confusion.

"Olivia, you know what I'm talking about, just say you forgive me." Elliot said, slightly exasperated.

"Ok, I forgive you." Olivia sighed.

"Good."

"Thanks for the coffee by the way." Olivia said, taking another sip.

"Not a problem."

The two talked for ages before a light knock was heard at the door and Jackie entered.

"Hi Olivia." She smiled.

"Hi Jackie." Olivia replied as Jackie began to check her stats.

"Who's this?" She asked, gesturing towards Elliot.

"This is my partner; we've been together for nearly nine years." Olivia said with a smile.

"Who else would put up with you?" Elliot smiled back.

Jackie noticed the subtle flirting and smiled as well.

"I don't get the whole "partner" thing." Jackie confessed as she checked Olivia's IV.

"What's not to get?" Elliot asked.

"Well, why don't you just get married already? I mean, nine years is a long time." Jackie said, fixing Olivia's sheets.

"Huh?" Both Elliot and Olivia were lost for words.

Olivia could feel her cheeks flush as could Elliot.

"Not partners like that. We're detectives, this is Detective Stabler. We work together." Olivia explained, not wanting to give Jackie Elliot's first name.

"I'm Elliot." Elliot put his hand out to shake Jackie's.

Olivia mentally slapped her forehead and kicked Elliot's arse.

"Elliot?" Jackie tried to conceal the smile on her face, "I'm Jackie."

"Nice to meet you." Elliot smiled then looked back at Olivia who had her eyes scrunched closed, "You ok, Liv?"

Olivia's eyes snapped open, "Who, me? Yeah, sure. I'm perfect, just dandy." She watched Jackie smirk.

"I'll be back later, Bye." Jackie quickly left the room, shutting the door behind her as she went to gossip with the other nurses.

What was she smiling about?" Elliot asked.

"I don't know." Olivia shrugged, avoiding Elliot's eyes.

"You're lying." Elliot said simply, a hint of a smile in his voice.

"No, I'm not." Olivia replied, fiddling with her sheets.

"Look me in the eye and tell me then." Elliot grinned.

Olivia's head snapped up. She couldn't lie to those eyes. They were too kind and pure. Elliot's eyes reminded her of a glass lake reflecting the sky, untouched. It was only a small lie but even small stones create ripples.

"I. Don't. Know." Olivia said slowly.

"Yep, you're lying." Elliot sat back in his chair.

He put his arms back, webbing his fingers together and using his hands as a head rest.

Olivia didn't bother replying, instead sitting back herself and letting the staring contest begin.

They sat there, staring each other down; deep mocha matching icy blue. For about three minutes neither of them said a word.

"So?" Elliot finally asked.

Olivia furrowed her brow, "So what?"

"So, what was she smiling about?" Elliot asked.

"I already told you, it's nothing." Olivia sighed.

"No, you said you didn't know."  
Olivia realised her entrapment.

_Crap._

"Really, Elliot, it's nothing." She smiled.

"Sure." Elliot replied, disbelieving every word that flowed out of Olivia's mouth.

_I'll ask Jackie later._ Elliot thought to himself.

"You know, we are going to have to talk about this at some point." He sighed in all seriousness, referring to Olivia's cuts.

"I thought we already did." Olivia replied looking away.

"Liv, we had an argument. That doesn't qualify as talking about it. I think you should speak to Huang."

Olivia looked up, "No way, it's not happening. I am not seeing a shrink. I don't _need_ to see a shrink."

"Why did you do it Olivia?" Elliot tried a different approach.

"We've already been over this-" Olivia replied slightly aggressive.

"There's another reason: Why?" Elliot asked, raising his voice as well.

"I was raped, OK!!" Olivia finally snapped.

* * *

**CLIFFHANGER!! dunDunDUN!!!!**

**Two chapters, one night - I think I deserve a medal...but a review will do.**

**Come on, make my day!!**

**Much love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**

**P.S If anyone knows where I can get SVU clips for free, let me know. Thanks.**


	6. The warehouse

**Authors note - **

**Here is the shortly anticipated chapter 6. **

**This is for myself coz I kept dedicating chapters like they grow on trees.**

**Disclaimer: You'd think Dick Wolf would atleast send me the box set but no. Oh well, I guess that means I own NOTHING!! -sits and cries in corner-.**

**Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

"_I was raped, OK!" Olivia yelled._

Elliot sat back in his chair completely dumbfounded.

"When?" He breathed.

Olivia involuntarily let a sob escape past her lips.

Elliot looked up at her and saw the tears flowing freely down her cheeks, silent sobs racking her body. Olivia had finally broken completely.

"Oh, Liv." Elliot sighed.

He quickly got up and sat next to her on the bed. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close. Olivia stiffened slightly in his grip and tried to stop crying, failing miserably.

"Its okay, you can cry Liv," Elliot murmured, "I'm here for you."

Olivia relaxed immediately and let her emotions take over. She cried into Elliot's chest for well over an hour, until they both finally fell asleep.

---

Jackie walked back into Olivia's room about three hours after she had met Elliot. Now, he was lying next to Olivia, his arms wrapped around her protectively.

Jackie smiled to herself. There was so much more between these two. She did her work silently, trying not to disturb either of the bed's occupants. When she turned around from recording some stats on the clip board at the foot of the bed there was an older man standing in the door way.

"Can I help you?" Jackie smiled.

"Oh no," Cragen smiled back, "I came to visit Olivia but she looks like she already has some company."

"They look so cute together, don't they?" Jackie sighed, looking back to Elliot and Olivia.

"They're together?" Cragen asked.

"No, they say it's just work but there's something more there, whether they realise it or not." Jackie's smile widened.

Cragen chuckled, slightly amused at the idea that the same thoughts had occupied the minds of the medical staff of Mercy General as well as the people who knew them best at the 1-6th precinct.

"Anyway, I'm sorry but I didn't get your name." Jackie interrupted Cragen's thoughts.

"Oh right", Cragen put his hand out, "Don, Don Cragen."

"Jackie", she replied shaking Cragen's hand, "I'll let Olivia know you dropped by."

"Can you give her these?" Cragen handed her a bouquet of orange, red, yellow and pink gerbras.

"Sure."  
"Thanks Jackie." Cragen turned on his heel and left as Jackie went to find a vase.

---

_Olivia's head was killing her._

_**God, what happened? **__She thought to herself._

_Olivia opened her eyes and gaze around at her dim surroundings. She realised she was in a warehouse but how she had gotten there was a mystery. She tried to get up from the cement floor but her head span._

"_Urgh." She muttered, attempting to get up again._

**SMACK!!**

_Olivia yelped in pain and surprised as what she could only guess was a metal baseball bat was smacked into her abdomen, catching the edge of her hip._

"_I wouldn't move if I were you." The man holding the bat warned Olivia. She recognized him from one of the cases she and Elliot had been working on; Jeffery Karen, if she could remember correctly._

"_Do you know who I am, detective?" He asked, a touch of ice in his voice._

"_Jeffrey Karen." Olivia mumbled through her pain._

"_Very good." Jeffery grinned cruelly, "Now, do you know what I'm going to do to you?"_

_The thought hadn't even crossed Olivia's mind._

_Getting no response, Jeffrey continued, "Wrong answer detective."_

**WHACK!!**

_Olivia cried out in pain as the bat collided with her ribs._

"_Well, first", he began, "I am going to remove my pants and jocks." Jeffrey did so then continued, "Then I am going to remove your shirt."_

_Olivia tried to fight him off but her head was spinning her vision blurred due to the severe pain coursing through her body._

_Once Olivia was no longer wearing her shirt Jeffery resumed his process, "Then, I'll remove your jeans."_

_Olivia could barely struggle as she tried not to give into the unconsciousness that beckoned her._

_By the time Olivia was completely naked she was only slightly aware of what was going on around her. She felt numb; whether it was her physical state, her emotional state or her mental state that made her feel this way, she couldn't tell._

_Jeffery Karen pounded into her, grinding her hips into the cold, hard concrete as well as his own hips. She made a noise that resembled stifled scream as he thrusted into her roughly. He slapped her hard across the face, sending her already blurred vision into oblivion. She yelped again as he grabbed her breast._

**THWACK!!**

_He slapped her again, this time knocking her head side ways, letting it hit the concrete with a dull smack. This time Olivia's mind suffered, she no longer fought the depths of unconsciousness but succumbed to the darkness, just willing for it all to be over._

_---_

_It was now almost pitch black as Olivia fumbled around for her clothes. She quickly got dressed and made her way through the ware house, looking for a way to get out._

_Finally, she spotted what looked like a roller door. She quickly ran up to it and tried to move it._

_It creaked loudly, echoing through the warehouse. When no-one came running after 30 seconds she tried to raise the door again, moving it about a foot and a half; just enough for her to roll out underneath._

_She ran through numerous parking lots until she came to a car where a woman was getting in. Olivia yelled out for the woman to stop and ran up to her._

"_Could you please take me to the nearest hospital?" She asked._

_The young woman took in Olivia's disheveled appearance and nodded, "Sure."_

_Olivia hopped into the passenger seat gratefully and thanked the woman. _

_They drove in silence until they were close to the hospital._

"_What happened?" The young woman asked._

"_I was raped." Olivia said calmly._

_The woman gasped, "Oh god, would you like me to come in with you?" She asked as they pulled up into one of the car parks._

"_No thanks, but I appreciate the lift." Olivia said getting out of the car._

"_I hope your ok." She woman furrowed her brow._

"_Thank you." Olivia called over her shoulder as she ran up to the ER._

_---_

_As she sat on the examination table the events of the night finally struck her and she began to cry, heart wrenching sobs racking her frame._

"Olivia…"

_Olivia looked around._

"Liv…"

"**Olivia."** She heard Elliot calling her name, **"Olivia, wake up!"**

Olivia's eyes snapped open as she took in her surroundings. She looked up to see she had fallen asleep in Elliot's embrace.

Olivia's eyes resembled those of a deer caught in headlights. Elliot reached up and brushed the tears from her eyes.

Olivia hadn't even realised she had actually been crying.

"It was about the rape, wasn't it?" Elliot asked quietly.

Olivia nodded.

"When did it happen?" He prompted gently.

Olivia just shook her head and shuddered, "it was horrible." She whispered, fresh tears beginning to form streaks down her skin.

Elliot hated to see Olivia in so much pain; it ripped his heart and left him there to bleed.

"Did you ever report it?" He asked.

Olivia nodded, choking on a sob.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you." Elliot whispered, nuzzling her hair and adjusting his grip so he could hold her tightly around the waist, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

* * *

**I'm sick - full of mucus and all of that other gross stuff. **

**Also, I can't talk so I suggest you cheer me up with your fabulous reviewing skills... wink wink, nudge nudge.**

**Lots of love,**

**Your sickly friend,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	7. Darkness

**Authors note - **

**Okey dokey people, you seem to be enjoying this so here's another chapter.**

**I know the last one was a little dark so this is just a bit of fluff coz I was in a...fluffy mood.**

**Lol.**

**Disclaimer: I have nothing, I threw out the old movie tickets and I used the majority of my money on "Magnums" and "Lindt"...it was worth it. Anyway, my sister now ows me $3...do you think Dick Wolf would go for that?? Me neither...So...this is a pretty long disclaimer so I'm just gonna say it: Don't own it, don't sue!!**

**This chapter is for Olivia-Jordan because if it wans't for the late night e-mailing then you wouldn't have ths chapter.**

**Hope you enjoy...**

* * *

Olivia woke again about two hours later. She immediately began to freak out when she didn't recognize her surroundings. She began to panic in the darkness and try and push out of whoever's grip she was trapped in.

"Hey Liv. Olivia! Calm down," Elliot soothed.

"Let go of me." She whimpered hoarsely as she struggled.

"Liv, it's me. It's Elliot, Calm down." Elliot pulled Olivia closer to him.

Olivia realised it was Elliot and relaxed into his chest, "Sorry." She whispered.

Olivia let out a slow shallow breath.

"It's okay." Elliot sighed rubbing soothing circles on Olivia's back.

Olivia shifted from resting on Elliot's chest to lying with her head on the pillow so she could face Elliot in the darkness.

"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" She asked quietly.

"Nothing, Liv." Elliot pushed a piece of her hair from her face to behind her ear.

_God she looks beautiful._

The moonlight and various blinking lights that filtered through Olivia's room accentuated her features in the darkness.

Olivia let out a small laugh, "I don't believe you." She sighed sadly.

"Well, it could have something to do with the fact that you've saved hundreds of lives and that you work extra hours at work," Elliot knew he was moving into flirtatious territory but he couldn't help it, "And that you've devoted your life to helping others."

Elliot swept the side of Olivia's face. He wasn't sure what he was doing but something was different in the air.

Olivia blushed and could feel heat radiating off her skin. She was glad it was dark and he couldn't see her face properly. She just hoped that he hadn't felt her skin prickle with heat. It was a simple touch but it was enough. Then she realised her heart monitor had quickened its pace.

_Shit. God, I hope Elliot doesn't notice._

Elliot smiled when he noticed her heart monitor quicken. He didn't realise he could do that to her. He decided to try something. He moved his hand down her arm, only lightly touching her.

Olivia's heart rate sped up again.

Olivia bit her lip.

_Calm down, Olivia. _She told herself.

_You're on a beach, a nice sunny beach. The waves are lapping at the sand and you're swimming in the cool water and then there's Elliot who's… stop bad Olivia, this isn't helping._

Elliot's smile widened. He had one more experiment.

He gently rested his hand on her hip though the covers and leaned in close to her.

Olivia felt her breath quicken as Elliot's lips became centimetres from hers. Her heart beat began to race once again.

"Do you need a doctor Miss Benson?" Elliot murmured.

Her breath hitched in her throat and she wasn't able to say anything.

Elliot's Experiment had worked but he wasn't sure whether he should take it one step further.

"I'll take that as a no." He whispered.

Elliot closed the gap between them, gently brushing his lips across Olivia's. Her heart rate began to speed up, not going unnoticed by either of them. Olivia let a small laugh escape her lips which made Elliot grin.

"I didn't know I had that effect on you." He whispered abandoning almost all thoughts of kissing her right at that moment.

"I didn't know it was that bad." Olivia admitted.

All of a sudden they heard familiar voices outside Olivia's door.

Olivia quickly closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. She couldn't deal with this right now.

"Shhh. We don't wanna be caught by the nurses now."

"Ok ok, I'm shutting up!!" They heard Casey giggle slightly.

Just then the door opened ajar, letting a bright stream of slight into the room.

"Shut up guys, you'll wake them up." Fin said, stepping into the room, Munch and Casey close behind.

"Too late numb skulls," Olivia heard Elliot whisper, "Just stay quiet and don't wake Liv."

"You guys look pretty cozy there." Munch smirked.

"And…" Elliot whispered.

"Oh my god, are you two an item?" Casey asked in a low voice.

"No, don't be stupid. That's called illegal." Fin hissed.

Munch noticed the look on Elliot's face, "Yeah, but since when has our fine young friend here completely gone by the book."

"What, you heard Fin." Elliot tried to defend himself; he should have done the same as Olivia and pretended to be asleep.

"Yes, I heard him but my "Homey-G" here doesn't know everything." Munch smiled slyly.

"No we're not." Elliot sighed.

"But you've slept together, haven't you?" Casey grinned.

"No!" Elliot said, slightly shocked.

"Made-out?" Casey asked, the smile slowly dropping from her face.

"No!"

"Kissed?"

"No." Elliot hesitated slightly.

"Oh my god, you have!" Casey's grin had returned.

Olivia stirred slightly at Casey's sudden outburst. The whole room fell silent as Olivia shifted around under the covers, eventually finding a comfortable spot with her head resting on Elliot's chest again.

Elliot instinctively moved his arm so it was resting along her back with his hand draped over her waist. He didn't even notice until Casey made a comment.

"I swear if I didn't know you guy's I'd think you were married." Casey laughed slightly.

"The nurse did." Elliot let slip before he could stop himself.

"What!?" Casey, Munch and Fin all hissed in unison.

"Uh…well, sort of." Elliot gave a small smile, "Olivia said we had been partners for nearly nine years and she said she didn't get it and then I asked "what's not to get" and she replied with "well, why not just get married"." Elliot finished, not looking up from Olivia.

"Ok, even complete strangers can see it." Munch sighed.

"Man, you need to make your move." Fin grinned.

Casey stood in the corner of the room smiling to herself, "They're right, Elliot. She's in love with you." Casey quickly covered her mouth.

"What!" Now it was the guys' turn to be shocked.

"Uh oh. Oh my god, it's two in the morning, I gotta go, court in the morning, you know how it is." Casey made her way over to the door, not reaching it before Munch stepped in front of it.

"Uh uh. You can't say that and expect me to just sit here. How do you know Casey?" Elliot asked quietly.

"Err…." Casey bit her lip, "She told me…" She admitted slowly, "But Olivia can't know I told you, she'll kill me!!"

"Cross my heart." Elliot replied.

"Me too." Both Munch and Fin agreed in unison

"Ok, good. Now I really need to go." Casey said, once again moving for the door.

"Same here." Munch replied.

Munch and Casey both exited the room and walked down the hall way.

"I gotta go to. Man, those two are almost as bad as you guys." Fin shook his head, "I'll see you later, bye." Fin left the room as well.

Elliot waited for the door to close before he turned back to Olivia, "I love you too." He whispered before kissing her hair, leaning back into the pillow and falling asleep himself.

* * *

**So people...**

**I was #REVIEW# thinking that #REVIEW NOW# subtlety was #YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO# the way to go # REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW# about asking for reviews... do you think it worked??**

**Let me #GO SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING# know...**

**Much love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	8. Beautiful Day

**Author's note:**

**I know that by now Olivia is well and truly due for some "locked up for 72 hours" crap but I'm taking poetic license and saying "screw reality". I hope you can deal with that. There will be some form of "psych evaluation" at some point but that'll come later.**

**This chapter is for no one in particular...I'll dedicate it to...my dog because he looks so adorable all curled up on the lounge. He's a golden retriever and the couch is fairly small and he has his head on the pillow and he just looks so cute!!**

**Disclaimer: I'm rich!! All the holiday money is flowing in for different resons like movies and food and other stuff like that. Do you think my parents would fork out for the characters as well? No.**

**I hope you enjoy...**

* * *

Olivia woke to find herself alone in bed. She looked around to spot Jackie taking out her IV.

"Morning." Olivia grumbled.

"Morning," Jackie replied brightly, "So I came in here this morning and saw you cuddled up next to Mr. Sexy-Blue-Eyed Detective Stabler and thought to myself "He isn't just her partner" so spill."

Olivia was kind of shocked by Jackie's intensity at such an early time – it felt early anyway.

"Err…well…I don't know." Olivia was clearly caught off guard. She didn't particularly feel like divulging such things to an almost stranger…but, her mouth seemed to have a different idea "He sort of almost kissed me." She blurted out "I-I-I mean well. It was a kiss but. It wasn't but. What time is it?" Olivia's words weren't coming out the way she wanted them to.

"He kissed you! I knew something was there." Jackie laughed, "It's 9:30(am)"

"Not exactly. I mean our lips touched but it wasn't a kiss per se." Olivia sighed.

"Uh-huh." Jackie nodded.

Just then, Elliot walked in with some forms in his hand.

"Release forms." He said holding them up.

"Oh right." Olivia nodded as she noticed a bag in his other hand, "What's in the bag?"

"Clothes, for you. When you were admitted they had to cut your clothes off so I brought you some other ones." Elliot smiled as he settled the bag on the bed.

There was a certain uneasiness in the air; awkwardness if you will. Each person could sense it but none spoke. Jackie could feel the tension between these two and she knew they needed to sort it out. She quickly excused herself, leaving Elliot and Olivia to stew in their situation.

The giddiness and flirtatiousness that both had felt the night before had dissipated. Whether it had evolved from lack or sleep on Elliot's part of pain killers for Olivia it didn't matter; it was gone.

Olivia took the bag and began looking through it; soon realising Elliot had been in her underwear draw.

_Oh my go, how embarrassing._

"I'll get dressed while you fill out the papers, deal?" Olivia asked as she stood gingerly.

"Yeah, sure. I'll be outside." Elliot nodded and left the room.

Olivia sat back down on the bed and sighed. She quickly got dressed; making sure the curtain was completely drawn.

"What were we thinking!?" She muttered to herself.

She was soon ready and up on her crutches when Jackie re-entered the room.

"Uh-ah, hospital policy: you're getting in the chair." She pointed to the wheel chair in the corner of the room.

"I'm fine, seriously." Olivia replied.

"Hospital policy." Jackie stated.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" Olivia sighed.

"It would appear not." Jackie grinned.

"Fine." Olivia sat in the chair, holding onto her crutches and allowed Jackie to wheel her towards the elevator where Elliot was standing.

"I'll take her from here." Elliot nodded to Jackie.

Jackie smiled in return.

"Olivia, here's my number if you ever just want to hang out." Jackie handed Olivia a card.

"Oh thanks, it was great to talk to Jackie." Olivia smiled warmly as the elevator "dinged".

"Bye." Jackie called as she turned back to the nurse's station.

Elliot wheeled Olivia into the near empty elevator and hit the button for the ground floor. The slow journey down was almost silent, bar the coughs from another passenger. The silence wasn't hostile by any means but there was a certain weariness.

The elevator "dinged" once more to signify that they had reached their intended floor and Elliot wheeled Olivia out. He got her to the car which was parked right next to the entrance. Olivia awkwardly tried to get into the car as Elliot held the wheel chair for her. He quickly put the break on and moved to help her. He took Olivia's arm and supported her as she got into the front seat. She sat down with a "humph" and started doing up her seat belt as Elliot put the crutches in the back seat.

"I'm gonna take the wheel chair back. I'll be back in a minute." Elliot told Olivia before re-entering the hospital.

Olivia closed her door and looked at the card which Jackie had given her. It had her number as well as something else:

_Olivia and Elliot sitting in a bed, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…_

Was scrawled on the back.

---

Elliot and the wheel chair rode the elevator back up to the floor they had originally come from. He wheeled the chair back to the nurses' station and quickly found Jackie.

"You didn't need to bring it all the way back." Jackie said as she saw Elliot.

"I know, but I wanted to ask you something." Elliot replied, "What were you smiling about when I first introduced myself?"

"Oh, that." Jackie grinned, "She was saying your name in her sleep and when I asked her who you were she got really defensive then I asked her again and she said "he's nobody" in that voice that says "he's really not nobody" and well, yeah." Jackie watched for Elliot's reaction.

A slow smile crept across his face.

"Oh, okay. I'll talk to you later then." Elliot waved as he headed back to the elevators.

"Bye, Detective Stabler." Jackie laughed.

---

Olivia shoved the card back into her pocket after grinning at it for about two minutes and continued to wait for Elliot. He soon returned and got in the car. He started the ignition and they were on their way, back to Olivia's apartment.

When they were about five minutes away Olivia came to resent the silence so she put on the radio. As she did the words of U2 filled the car.

**_The heart is a bloom _**

**_Shoots up through the stony ground _**

**_There's no room _**

**_No space to rent in this town_**

_Oh god, how ironic. _These were Olivia's thoughts. Although she loved the song she couldn't believe it had to come on to the radio at this exact moment

**_You're out of luck _**

**_And the reason that you had to care _**

**_The traffic is stuck_**

**_And you're not moving anywhere _**

**_You thought you'd found a friend _**

**_To take you out of this place _**

**_Someone you could lend a hand _**

**_In return for grace_**

_Bloody Bono!_ These were Elliot's thoughts.

**_It's a beautiful day _**

**_Sky falls, you feel like _**

**_It's a beautiful day _**

**_Don't let it get away _**

**_You're on the road _**

**_But you've got no destination _**

**_You're in the mud In the maze of her imagination _**

**_You love this town _**

**_Even if that doesn't ring true _**

**_You've been all over _**

**_And it's been all over you_**

**_It's a beautiful day _**

**_Don't let it get away _**

**_It's a beautiful day _**

**_Touch me_**

**_Take me to that other place_**

**_Teach me_**

**_I know I'm not a hopeless case _**

Either one would give anything to be able to do that. To be able to touch each other but life is too complicated and awkward.

**_See the world in green and blue _**

**_See China right in front of you _**

**_See the canyons broken by cloud _**

**_See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out _**

**_See the Bedouin fires at night _**

**_See the oil fields at first light _**

**_And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth _**

**_After the flood all the colours came out _**

**_It was a beautiful day_**

**_Don't let it get away _**

**_Beautiful day _**

**_Touch me _**

**_Take me to that other place _**

**_Reach me _**

**_I know I'm not a hopeless case _**

**_What you don't have you don't need it now _**

**_What you don't know you can feel it somehow _**

**_What you don't have you don't need it now _**

**_Don't need it now _**

**_Was a beautiful day..._**

Elliot pulled up to Olivia's apartment building as some commercials began to air. He switched off the ignition and they sat in silence as the engine cooled.

"Do you mind if I come up?" Elliot asked.

"Do I have choice?"

"Not really." Elliot chuckled.

He got out of the car and grabbed Olivia's crutches. He helped her up to her apartment and eventually they were inside.

Elliot closed the door as Olivia hobbled over to the couch. She dropped the crutches and fell onto the couch. Elliot only caught a glimpse of Olivia and heard the noise her crutches made. He quickly ran over and was immediately at her side.

"Are you okay?"

"What? Yes, I'm fine." She sighed.

"Oh, okay." Elliot nodded, "I'm gonna go and make some coffee, you want some?"

"Yeah sure." Olivia smiled.

Elliot touched her shoulder as he went into the kitchen. Olivia closed her eyes and lay down on the couch. Soon, sleep had consumed her.

Elliot was thankful he had cleaned up the mess in her kitchen before he brought her home. All the blood was now gone and the knife had been disposed of. Elliot finished making the coffees and took them back into the lounge room. He placed both on the small table but smiled when he saw Olivia asleep. He figured the anaesthetic was still affecting her.

Elliot sat back in a chair and watched Olivia sleep soundlessly. Once he had finished his coffee he put his cup down and went over to Olivia. The way she was laying meant she'd have a crick in her neck. He decided she'd be a lot more comfortable in her own bed. Elliot gently scooped Olivia off the couch and walked down the corridor to her bedroom.

"What are you doing?" She mumbled into his chest.

"You fell asleep on the couch; I'm putting you in your bed." Elliot told her.

"I'm fine." Olivia feebly tried to push out of Elliot's grasp but gave up on her second try. She was still half asleep and only barely aware of what was going on.

Elliot put Olivia down on the bed then pulled back the covers. He shifted her so she was on the uncovered part and began pulling off her shoes.

Olivia mumbled something but didn't really move on her own accord.

Eliot pulled the blanket up and went to leave the room.

"Elliot," Olivia called out, only barely audible, "Stay with me?" She mumbled; her eyes still closed.

Elliot didn't say a word but sat on the other side of the bed, took of his own shoes and crawled under the covers with Olivia. As soon as she felt the slight warmth of Elliot's body heat Olivia snuggled closer. Elliot draped his arm over her waist and pulled her closer to him. Soon he heard the soft snoring of Olivia and drifted to sleep himself.

* * *

**The song was "Beautiful Day" by U2 incase you didn't get that.**

**Also, U2 is Mariska Hargitay's favourite band. I know these pointless bits of information and I have no use for them so from now on you're going to have to put up with me telling you random facts...like... Sheep won't drink from running water. If you want some more pointless tidbits then REVIEW!!**

**See, there is actually a point to my rambling.**

**Lots of love,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	9. Numb

**Authors note - **

**Sorry this took so long guys. You've all been very patient and I appreciate the fact I haven't recieved any death threats.**

**So here is chapter 9.**

**Disclaimer: I'm getting my braces off tomorrow so right now I don't give a shit that I don't own it. I have other things to smile about. -grins-**

**This chapter is for LivandElforlife because she was my 100th reviewer for this story.**

**So, I hope you all enjoy...**

* * *

Olivia groggily opened her eyes to see her alarm clock telling her it was 3:00pm. She felt the warmth of someone's breath on her neck which instantly made her freak out she quickly turned to see Elliot lying with his arms around her.

Now she was confused.

She didn't remember going to bed and she certainly didn't remember Elliot getting into bed with her or doing anything else for that matter. The last thing she remembers is lying on the couch. She glanced under the covers and realised they were both still clothed – this made her feel a little more at ease…sort of.

She hadn't been with anyone since she was raped, being in a confined with a man still made her flinch, even if it was Elliot.

She began to feel uncomfortable and was trying tow quash the feeling of a panic attack coming on. Soon the anxiety set in and she knew she needed to get up, even if it meant disturbing Elliot.

She quickly lifted his arm and slipped out of the bed and into the bathroom. She had completely forgotten her crutches and assumed she didn't need them anyway. She closed the door and locked it before slumping to the floor, trying to hold back her tears.

She tried taking deep breaths, massaging her temples, even rocking slightly but nothing was working. She knew the scissors she used for all her medical things like bandages and tape were in her top draw but she couldn't do that to Elliot, she couldn't.

The anxiety was beginning to heighten as her stomach muscles tensed.

"Fuck." Olivia whispered, "Fuck, why can't I just stop. I can't do this to Elliot, I can't, I can't."

Olivia stood and made her way to the set of draws. She quickly rifled through it and found the scissors before slumping back against the wall. She rolled up her pants on the opposite leg to the one which was all bandaged up. She flicked the scissors open and thought how ironic it was to be using them for harm instead of using them to help like any normal person.

She held them expertly, pressing the blade to her skin and drawing it down her leg a couple of centimeters.

She immediately felt the release and didn't have the need to do anymore…for now. She watched as the blood began to pool in little droplets along the cut before she grabbed some toilet paper and pressed it to the cut.

Satisfied that the blood had stopped seeping, Olivia got up and flushed the piece of toilet paper and washed her hands, making it seem believable if Elliot was awake.

Sure enough, when she opened the door Elliot was sitting on her bed.

"Did you sleep well?" Olivia asked.

"Yep, did you?" Elliot replies.

"Uh-huh." Olivia started to move around the other side of the bed but was stopped when Elliot grabbed her arm.

"What were you doing in the bathroom, Liv?" Elliot eyed Olivia.

"I went to the toilet, what do you think?" Olivia snatched her arm out of Elliot's grip, all of a sudden feeling trapped in a corner.

"Liv, you were in there for twenty minutes." Elliot raised an eyebrow, "It doesn't take that long to go to the toilet, not for women anyway."

"S-so what?" Olivia shrugged, nervously.

"Liv, what were you doing in the bathroom?" Elliot repeated his question.

"I went to the toilet, I told you!" Olivia began to raise her voice, only slightly but it was enough.

"I don't believe you." Elliot said, not quite raising his voice but making it sound more forceful.

"You know what? It's none of your damn business!" Olivia said, trying to keep her tone even and her emotions in check.

"Olivia, we both know what you were doing," Elliot sighed, "Show me your leg."

"Fuck off." Olivia had the appearance of a deer trapped in headlights.

"Olivia-" Elliot tried again but was cut off.

"I said; Fuck off! Drop it or leave. Either way works." Olivia countered, her voice low and threatening.

"I'm not leaving Olivia and I'm not dropping it. You were just in hospital not even ten hours ago and you're already doing it again!" Elliot had now raised his voice and Olivia snapped.

She knew all these things. She knew she had a problem, she knew he wasn't going to leave and she knew he wasn't going to drop it.

"Get out." She growled.

"No."  
"Get the fuck out!!"

"Olivia, I'm not leaving until you show me your leg."

"GET OUT!"

"Olivia!"

"Fine!!" She yelled as she hitched her pant leg up, "There's my damn leg, now GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APPARTMENT!!"

"No!! Olivia, you need help. You can't do this to yourself!!"

Olivia was now fuming, she was beyond angry and before she knew what she was doing she had slapped Elliot across the face, leaving a red hand print.

Her actions had shocked both Elliot and Olivia.

Elliot stood in front of Olivia, each maintaining the others glare.

"Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do. Don't you dare!" Olivia said in a fierce whisper.

"Liv." Elliot sighed trying to hold his composure and not completely go off his nut.

"Get the fuck out now." Olivia kept her tone, "Just get the fuck out of my apartment NOW!"

Elliot turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Olivia stumbled back against the bathroom door and slid to the floor. She managed to hold her breath for thirty seconds before bursting into tears. She sat and cried for ages, just letting her tears soak her shirt as they slid down her face, then her neck. She sat and cried just willing herself not to feel this way. It's not that she felt said, or angry. It's that she felt numb.

Elliot, being the man he is, was smart enough not to leave Olivia completely. He sat on the couch in her living room, waiting for her to come out and discover him. Waiting for her to come out and yell at him.

After an hour of waiting he began to get scared that she wasn't going to come out at all. He quietly made his way down the hall and to her bedroom. When he didn't hear any sounds emitting through the door he became worried. She could have been asleep but due to her current state and the fact they had just have a massive fight, he wasn't going to bet on it.

He gentle turned the door knob and pushed it open…

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**Okay, okay okay...I know it's cliffhanger but you have to understand - It comes under the genre "Drama" so it's not like I'm going to end every chapter with "and they all lived happily ever after" sorry but it's not happening. I'm cruel and unsual and revel in driving other people insane with cliffhangers so you're just going to have to deal.**

**Anwyay, now for another pointless peice of information brought to you by Libra: By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at primary school.**

**Want to know any more pointless and absolutely useless pieces of information? Yes? Then review my good people and I will tell you about ostrichs and babies and fake beards and all this other crap which is stored in my head and on the back of female products.**

**Lots of love,**

**Insane in the membrain**

**...I mean **

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	10. Walls and Doors

**Author's note - **

**I'm tired and it's 3:13am. Lol.**

**No wonder I'm tired.**

**Anyway...**

**Here is chapter 10. I'm actually surprised I've stayed this committed.**

**DISCAIMER: I have no money because I spent it on "Good Charlotte" shirts!! Oh yeah! Awesome as concert!! So anyway; I don't own it.**

**This is for Olivia-Jordan beacuse she asked me so many times to update and because she hasn't seen the movie "The Breakfast Club" - I love that movie and it was made before I was born. Lol.**

* * *

As the door skimmed across the carpet Olivia's bed came into Elliot's line of vision.

No Olivia.

He opened the door wider where he saw Olivia lying on the carpet outside her bathroom door.

"Oh shit, Liv." Elliot rushed to her side and crashed to the floor next to her, "Liv."

Elliot rolled her over so she was on her back and cupped her face.

"Elliot?" Olivia groaned groggily.

"Liv, Liv, you didn't do anything stupid did you?" Elliot asked.

"No. Why would think that? Leave me alone, I'm tired. Just leave me alone Elliot." Olivia wretched out of Elliot's grip, hitting the wall hard in the process, "Ow, fuck."  
"You okay, Liv?" Elliot asked.

"No, I'm not fucking okay. Stupid fucking wall!" Olivia sat up and started rubbing her forehead.

Elliot watched her unshed tears.

"Give me a look." Elliot reached for her so he could have a look at her head but she swatted him away.

"Fuck off Elliot! Just leave me alone." Olivia yelled as a few rebellious tears made their way down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand.

The only time Olivia cursed so much was when something was bothering her and/or she was severely pissed off.

"Liv, talk to m- oh shit you're bleeding!"

Olivia pulled her hand away from her forehead to reveal a trickle of blood making its way down the side of her face.

"What did you hit your head on?" Elliot looked at the wall and sure enough, along the skirting board was a nail which hadn't been hammered in properly.

"I was gonna fix it but I don't have the right tools." Olivia sighed as she went to stand, stumbling slightly, purely from being so exhausted.

"You right, Liv?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, yeah. Just leave me alone. Go home or something. Just go." Olivia snapped.

"Fine." Elliot left her bedroom and went back into the lounge. He wasn't going to leave until they had talked.

Although Olivia had gone into the bathroom she had no intention of cleaning up her little wound. Instead, she came out as soon as Elliot had left the room. She sat on the edge of her bed and began to cry. Slow tears began their decent down her cheeks, dropping onto her lap from her jaw. Soon her tears were no longer silent as she began to sob.

Elliot heard from the lounge room but stayed where he was. He was going to wait for her to come to him because it obviously wasn't working the other way. Olivia was just as stubborn as he was and when it came to asking for help neither of them was any good.

Olivia actually came around quicker than Elliot had expected. She stood in the hallway and sniffled to make her presence known. Elliot looked up and gestured to the seat on the couch next to him. She sat, her tears now dried but blood still smeared across her face from what Elliot could only uses was the back of her hand.

They each faced each other for a moment before Elliot got up and walked into the kitchen. He came back about a minute later with a wet tea towel in his hand. He sat back in his original spot and faced Olivia again. He gently wiped the blood from her face and out of her hair.

He placed the tea towel on her smokey glass coffee table and sat back.

Olivia leaned onto his chest and let him hold her. Although it was a little uncomfortable she visibly relaxed in his arms. She reluctantly closed her eyes and drifted into a deep sleep.

---

Olivia woke to the smell of something frying. She quietly got up and tip toed into the entrance of the kitchen. She watched as Elliot flipped an egg.

"I never picked you as the cooking type." Olivia allowed a small smile to grace her lips.

"I'm not. I know how but I don't usually do due to lack of timing." Elliot returned the smile.

"Oh." Olivia sighed.

She leant up against the architrave and closed her eyes, sleep still evident in her mind.

"What time is it?" She asked.

"About 8:00pm." Elliot said, glancing at the clock.

"Okay." Olivia yawned as Elliot began to serve up bacon and eggs.

"We're having breakfast?" Olivia asked.

"It's all you had in your fridge which looked edible." Elliot grinned as they each took their plates and made their way to the couch.

"Do you want some orange juice just to finish the deal?" Elliot smirked.

"Sure."

Eliot set his plate down then went to get some orange juice, returning with a glass for each of them.

"Thanks." Olivia said.

They ate in silence. There were some underlying tones of unresolved tension; questions just waiting to be asked then shrugged off.

They finished quickly, placing their plates on the coffee table and finishing the rest of their drinks.

That sat in the quiet for a bit longer before Olivia rolled up the leg of her pants, revealing the small cut she had made that afternoon.

Elliot ran his finger over the tender spot where it was beginning to make a thin scab.

"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered.

"I'm not going to say 'its okay' because it's not and we need to realise this." Elliot sighed in response, "You're not fine, I'm not fine. No body is fine."

Olivia rolled her pants back down before quickly wiping away the tears which had already started to well up in her chocolate eyes.

"You need help, Liv." Elliot sighed.

Those words caused Olivia to release an involuntary sob.

"It's okay to ask for help. You aren't dealing with this. You're hurting your self so you don't have to deal with life's misery and it scares me. Liv, you're scaring me."

"Why am I so fucked up?" Olivia sobbed.

"You're not fucked up sweet heart," Elliot pulled Olivia close; "Life's just giving you some shit right now. We're gonna get through this."

"We're?" Olivia sat back a little and raised her eye brow at his phrasing.

"Yes, 'we're'." Elliot brushed a piece of hair from Olivia's face and tucked it behind her ear.

The intensity of the moment heightened causing their breath to hitch slightly. Elliot's blue eyes pieced Olivia's as her chocolate ones melted his.

Each drifted forward subconsciously as the city seamed to swirl away.

Their lips were millimeters away from capturing one another in a deliciously passionate kiss when a sudden noise caught their attention…

* * *

**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Cliffhanger.**

**I'm dead...not really. I lied.**

**Anyway, pointless fact...Flamigos are pink because of the amount of shrimp they eat.**

**REVIEW PEOPLE AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME SHRIMP!!...not really though...I lied again.**

**Lots of love and fuzzy wuzzy things,**

**xXBlissfulCursesXx**


	11. Tainted Blood

**Author's note – **

**Okay, I know it's been a while and I'm sorry.**

**I had a pretty shit last 48hours and it was crap. Lol.**

**Anyway, here is chapter 11.**

**Disclaimer: I had $30 and then I brought this awesome necklace are in debt to my mother dearest and am broke so, sadly, I don't own them.**

**This is for Olivia-Jordan because she's just fab!!**

_**Enjoy…**_

The loud wrapping on Olivia's door startled both detectives out of the clouds they had been floating in. The urgency in the knock was unmistakable. Olivia jumped about a mile, the antagonizing swirling in her stomach quickly returning. She got off the couch and hobbled to the door without saying a word to Elliot. She quickly looked through the peephole and stumbled back slightly, grabbing the architrave for support. Elliot was up on his feet and by her side in an instant. He looked through the peephole and saw a man standing with his arms at his side and a gun in his hand.

Jeffery Karen.

He felt Olivia shaking in his arms and immediately realised who this man was and what he had done.

"Olivia Benson, I know you're in there. It took me a long time to track you down from just your credit card but obviously, I managed." They heard Jeffery snigger, "So are you going to let me in so we can have some more fun or am I going to have to force my way in?"

Elliot motioned for Olivia to stand back as he went for his gun which was sitting in his holder (a/n: couldn't remember what it was called) on the bench.

He heard a crash followed by a scream. He quickly grabbed his glock and ran back to the entrance where Olivia was backed into a corner and Jeffery standing with his pistol pointed at Olivia.

"Drop it." Elliot said forcefully over all the noise as he raised his gun.

Jeffery's head swiveled to face Elliot.

"Who are you?" He asked in a raspy voice.

"I'm the guy with a gun pointed at you." Elliot said in a low gruff voice, "Now drop it."

"Are you the infamous Detective Stabler?" Jeffery asked in mock awe.

"It doesn't matter who I am. Now, drop your weapon." Elliot replied in a low voice.

Olivia stood, frozen to the spot. She could see Elliot giving her looks, telling her to back away but she couldn't move. Not only had this man rendered her unconscious but he had also raped her and now he stood before her with a gun pointed at her chest.

"No!" Jeffery's voice snapped Olivia out of her thoughts, "I'm not going to drop it. I've come here to shoot her and I intend to follow through on my plan."

"For the last time; drop it or I will be forced to shoot." Elliot's temper head risen to just before breaking point.

"No!" Jeffery's voice was followed by a series of three shots: two Elliot's; one Jeffery's.

Jeffery sunk to the floor, two holes; one in his chest and one in his lower abdomen. They bled profusely, tainting Olivia's floor with a rich red.

Elliot's eyes were on Jeffery until he saw Olivia stumble back slightly. She put her hand to her chest, just below her collar bone on her right side. She flinched slightly then pulled her hand away. She watched as her blood trickled down her fingers and dripped from her fingertips.

Elliot stared in horror as he watched Olivia collapse.

Suddenly, his brain switched onto auto pilot.

He ran to her side and felt for her pulse which was growing weak. He used hi cell phone and called 911, giving all the necessary information to the dispatcher. He also checked for a pulse in Jeffery but felt nothing.

He grabbed one of Olivia's coats off the rack at the entrance and applied pressure to her gun shot wound.

Olivia just lay unconscious, her hair - which was now at least at her shoulder - splayed out, the ends matted with her blood. She seemed to drift in and out, sometimes mumbling things incoherently and emitting small whimpers as she lost herself.

About three minutes later the paramedics were at Olivia's door which was still wide open. Elliot didn't even notice the other tenants of the building which had gathered to watch the scene play out in front of them. Elliot stood back as the trained professionals took over and began checking Olivia's blood pressure and pulse as others worked on Jeffery who was soon pronounced dead. After a couple of minutes the NYPD showed up. Officer Minstrel, an old friend of Elliot's, was surprised to see him at the scene. He put his hand on Elliot's shoulder but he didn't flinch.

"Elliot."

At the mention of his name Elliot turned to face Eddie Minstrel.

"Elliot, we're going to need you to make a statement." It was the only thing Eddie could think of saying.

"Okay." Elliot replied monotonously. He saw that the paramedics were shifting Olivia onto a back board, "I'm going to ride with her. I'll see you down at the hospital soon." With that said, Elliot turned on his heel and, for the second time in less than a week, he followed the paramedics down to the ambulance.

---

Elliot had finally given his statement to Eddie and had called the guys, Cragen and Casey down to the hospital.

Casey was the first to arrive.

As soon as she saw Elliot she ran up to him. Upon noticing that he was covered in what she could only assume was Olivia's blood she let out a sort of gurgling scream and became hysterical. She fell into Elliot's arms and began to cry heart wrenching sobs.

"Please tell me, not again, not again." Casey managed to get out.

"Tell you what?" Elliot tried to sound soothing but was on the verge of tears himself and the words weren't coming out all that confidently.

"Please tell me she didn't try to commit suicide. Please!" She whispered.

"No, God no, Casey. She was shot." Elliot tried to make it sound better than committing suicide but the worst outcome was still the same – the only difference being that one was not self inflicted; although Elliot did wonder whether Olivia really cared whether she lived or died.

Elliot managed to sit down with Casey who seemed to calm down once Munch arrived with Fin and Don in tow.

They all sat in the waiting room which they had shared not more than a few days ago.

Casey was sobbing quietly into Munch's shirt as Munch tried to console her. Fin sat forward in his chair with his eyes down, even though they all knew he had been crying. Cragen kept scrubbing his hands over his face along with the occasional mumble of something along the lines of "I can't believe this".

And then there was Elliot who didn't do anything. He sat and stared at the power point on the wall. He was numb to the noise of nurses and patients and anyone else who passed by. That was until the doctor stood in front of him.

**Okay, So I'm horrible for leaving yet another cliffhanger.**

**But that's me – the bitch. I actually was hated by all but three of my friends in year six and we had a lot of friends – that's a lot of hate and I was actually labeled the number one bitch by them – I have a title.**

**Lol.**

**Anyway…history aside, you should review because like I said – I've had a pretty crappy 48 hours and life seems to hate me at the moment - As my friend would say: "You failed life".**

**Lol.**

**Holy crap this is a long foot note.**

**Anyway, the point is review…because you love me or feel like abusing me for the cliffie…mwahahahaha.**

**Pointless piece of information: All the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are set to the time of 10:10.**

**Hope you liked.**


	12. Bullet to the bone

**Authors note - **

**Okie dokie - Here is chapter 12. I had a mass hectic weekend and barely any sleep. It was fun. I also tried to do a cartwheel into my friends pool and managed to get into the "Hand stand" position but instead of going in sideways I went skidding on my hands and fell in. We've got it on video - it was hilarious.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own - don't sue.**

_

* * *

And then there was Elliot who didn't do anything. He sat and stared at the power point on the wall. He was numb to the noise of nurses and patients and anyone else who passed by. That was until the doctor stood in front of him._

---

"Are you all here for Olivia Benson?" He asked.

"What's happened? Is she okay?" Elliot stood, becoming face to face with the younger man. He had a rough stubbled chin and a hard set jaw. He looked solid but was still intimidated by Elliot.

"She's just been moved into ICU for recovery. She's stable for now but we almost lost her on the table. The gun shot wound was to her shoulder and the bullet was lodged in her collar bone due to the entry. It was fracture by the bullet but should heal soon. She won't be able to return to work for at least two months. No field work for a minimum of six."

"So she's definitely going to be okay?" Elliot asked, hopeful.

"Yes."

Elliot scrubbed his hand over his face and heard a sigh of relief being emitted from the rest of the group.

"Thank you Doctor…?"

"Dr. Brennan." The younger man shook Elliot's hand.

"Thank you Dr. Brennan. Can we see her now?"

"Not at the moment but I'll give you her room number and you can wait there; Just hang on a moment."

Dr. Brennan walked towards the nurses' station and disappeared around the side of the desk.

"Holy crap, Man; She could have died." Fin's words shook Elliot to the core, sending him into a whirlwind of thought and panic… that was until Dr. Brennan returned.

"She's in room 214. If you head down the hallway there and then turn right down the next you should come to it. I'll try and get her moved down soon."

They all thanked Dr. Brennan then moved towards Olivia's room.

Once there, Elliot sunk into a chair as did Munch and Cragen. Casey perched on the edge of a book case and Fin leant against a wall. They sat in silence for about 45 minutes before Munch offered himself and Fin to go and get coffees. Cragen declined the offer and said he had to get back to the precinct, adding that he gave his love to Olivia before leaving the room. Elliot feared that he'd be sick if anything with an aroma was placed near him and by the way that Casey hadn't taken her eyes off a small piece of carpet fibre which was sticking up from its blueish-grey home signified that she was in no shape to move let alone eat or drink anything. With that Munch and Fin decided they were better off heading back to the 1-6th as well. They both left, giving their love to Olivia as well.

After another hour the silence between Elliot and Casey remained until Casey spoke up.

"Once we went out clubbing and we drank so much we ended up turning up and Don's house at two in the morning because we couldn't remember where either of us lived."

Elliot laughed hard at this, causing a grin to crack Casey's lips.

"Once we were bringing in a perp and he slapped her arse so she turned around and kicked him so hard in the groin he actually lost consciousness from the pain."

By now Elliot and Casey were laughing hysterically, not just from the stories but out of the sheer emotion which had built up over the last week or so.

"I watched her fall up the stairs of OnePP in front of the police commissioner." Casey told.

"I once went to her apartment and caught her painting her toenails pink." Elliot took his turn.

"One time I walked into her bathroom after a big night and she was having a shower and singing Shania Twain."

"On a stake out I dared her to lick the window."

"Once, we were playing "would you rather…?" and I asked her "would you rather screw Johnny Depp or kiss you?" you know what she said?"

"What?" Elliot asked, his laughter subsiding.

"She said she'd rather kiss you." Casey sighed contently.

Elliot smiled, "How often do you play these games?"

"I don't know." Casey shrugged.

Elliot was about to say something more but the door to room 214 was pushed open by a woman wearing purple scrubs with a light blue three-quarter length sleeved shirt on underneath. She held the door open as a wardsman began to wheel Olivia's bed in. She still had an oxygen mask over her face, and her shoulder was bandaged up. She had a sheet pulled up under her arms which made it obvious that she wasn't wearing anything beneath it.

The nurse began to fix cords and clips to Olivia and write things one her chart.

Casey and Elliot watched on in silence, waiting for the intruders to leave before they stepped any closer to their friend.

Once they had left, Elliot and Casey took up residence on and next to Olivia's bed. The nurse had removed Olivia's mask and Elliot watched as her lips, parted slightly, reverberated against each other with each breath she took. The urge to kiss her was almost overwhelming but then Elliot remembered Casey sitting on the other side.

"Go ahead, I don't mind." Casey grinned. Seeing Olivia had calmed her a bit and she was feeling a little happier now.

"Go ahead and do what?" Elliot decided to play dumb; Casey knowing what he was thinking made him feel awkward.

"Fine, don't kiss her." Casey sighed.

Elliot looked away, back to Olivia. He watched as he eyelids occasionally fluttered and her lips twitched slightly.

He caressed her cheek with his thumb and watched her eye lids flutter once again, this time opening just long enough for her too look up at him.

"Hi." She smiled weakly.

"Hi." He smiled sadly back, "We almost lost you there."

"My bad." Olivia closed her eyes again and listened to Elliot chuckle at her attempt at humour as well as somebody else laughing lightly.

She rolled her head to the side, flinching slightly at the pain. She opened her eyes again and looked at Casey.

"Hey Case." She sighed, "Long time, no see."

"Olivia, don't you dare make anymore jokes. We were so worried." Casey said in all seriousness.

"Where's Don, Fin and Munch?" She asked drowsily.

"They had to go but they send their love." Casey informed Olivia.

"Okay." Olivia sighed.

"I'm gonna go and leave you in Elliot's capable hands. Bye Liv." Casey stood, placed a light kiss on Olivia's forehead and left.

"You scared us you know?" Elliot scrubbed his hands over his face.

"Sorry." Olivia breathed.

She had the same look on her face as when they had first brought her into the room and this time he didn't hesitate. He leant forward and brushed a light kiss against her lips which she responded to as best she could in her drug induced haze.

"Oh my god Olivia, I heard you got-" Jackie began as she burst into the room, "Oh shit, sorry." She grinned as she turned around and left the room quickly.

* * *

**Review people!!**

**Basic and to the point.**

**Random fact - Pigs can't look up at the sky.**


	13. Flowers and Vases

**Authors note – **

**Okie dokie – I hope you enjoyed last chapter and the fact that I ditched my cliffhanger ways. I can't promise it will stay that way for long though. Anyway, here is chapter 13 (My lucky number). I also can't promise that there isn't a cliffie at the end of this one…MWHAHAHA. I know – I'm an evil pain in the arse. Lol. That's a cliffhanger in it's self. I'm so pro.**

**Disclaimer: It costs $56 (au) for a box set – Cry- But that's why I'm getting the 1****st**** season for Christmas…I'd much rather own the characters but whatever. I'm still happy!**

**REMEMBER**** the three 'R's':**

**Read, R-enjoy and Review!**

Upon hearing Jackie enter…and leave suddenly, caused the magic of the intense environment to fizzle and made Elliot aware of his actions, in turn to breaking from Olivia's lips.

"Um…" Elliot shifted awkwardly.

"Mmm…" Olivia hummed, not far from a deep slumber.

"Uh-uh-umm…" Elliot stuttered, "Olivia?"

Olivia didn't move or even signal that she had heard Elliot.

Elliot assumed she was asleep and sat back in the chair.

"God, you're beautiful, Liv." He sighed.

"Maybe you should tell her when she can hear you, let alone remember you telling her." Jackie murmured as she leant against the door frame.

"Huh?" Elliot quickly turned his head to face her, almost giving himself whiplash.

"You should tell her." Jackie stepped into the room and walked over to Elliot's side of the bed.

"Probably." Elliot replied simply.

"You know she's completely in love with you, right?" Jackie furrowed her brow.

"She's not in love with me. Sure, we have this whole sexual tension thing going but that's been there for ages. It's probably what makes us so efficient-"

"How does that work?" Jackie interjected.

"Um…well…I figured that because we're two of the best and that well…" Elliot trailed off at the end.

"You know, for a detective, you're not very cluey." Jackie burst out laughing at her joke, "But seriously, you think it was 'cause of the tension?"

"Well, yeah." Elliot shrugged, feeling like a complete arse.

"Have you ever considered that you guys are so in sync because you love each other? I've never known two people to be so close without actually being close. I can't believe that you haven't realised it. It's like when guys are together it's just you, no one else in the world matters…except maybe the victims when you're on the job."

Elliot shifted uncomfortably under Jackie's gaze. He shifted his own eyes to Olivia, "Is that blood?"

Jackie turned to look at Olivia as well and noticed the red patch that was gently oozing wider from the spot on her shoulder, "Oh shit."

She quickly stood and pulled the covers down a bit and slowly began undoing the gauze that held Olivia's shoulder in place, "Crap!" Jackie turned to Elliot, "Grab a wad of paper towel from the bathroom and hold them on here while I go and page a doctor."

Elliot nodded and headed to the bathroom, returning within eight seconds with a wad of paper toweling in hand. He moved to where Jackie was and took over from where she was keeping pressure on Olivia's shoulder with her hands. Jackie ran out of the room and down to where Elliot assumed was the nurses' station.

"El, what are you doing?" Olivia asked groggily as she floated in 'lala land'.

"You've somehow ripped the stitches in your shoulder. The doctor will be here in a minute to fix you up." Elliot pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear as he reassured her.

"Okay." Olivia smiled.

"Holy crap, what are they pumping into you?" Elliot shook his head, smiling in spite of the situation.

"Who cares?" Olivia shrugged, causing Elliot's hand to slip of her shoulder to her breast, "Oops!" Olivia grinned.

Elliot was confused.

He quickly repositioned his hand to where it would be used more effectively with his paper towel. He soon realised that there was now a bloody red hand print smeared down Olivia's shoulder to her chest.

_Oh come on!_

About thirty seconds later Dr. Brennan walked into the room with a few implements and some thread. Jackie followed him in and raised and eye brow when she spotted the hand print.

"Not my fault! It was an _accident_!" Elliot felt he needed to stress this point.

Jackie mouthed a sarcastic "sure" and rolled her eyes.

"It was! She shrugged and I slipped!" Elliot explained further.

Jackie's face lit up with a shit-eating grin, "Smooth move."

Elliot sat back and watched Dr. Brennan and Jackie stitch Olivia up and listened to her ramble on about various different things like the colour of her apartment and how the clocks on her microwave and oven are set seven minutes apart and how she's too busy or tired to change them and it makes him laugh because he's never seen her so relaxed around strangers.

Dr. Brennan finishes up and both he and Jackie leave so Olivia can get some sleep.

About five minutes later Casey, Don, Fin and Munch walk in, both Casey and Don carrying a bouquet of flowers each. Everyone's eyebrows go up when the see the blood smeared hand print on Olivia's chest.

Elliot just rested his head in his hand, "She bled, I helped, she shrugged, I slipped. Okay?"

"Uh-huh…" Don nodded.

Fin smirked.

Munch looked over his glasses in amusement.

And Casey grinned.

"We're just partners!"

"That's not what Jackie seems to think." Now Don was smirking as well.

"What? She told you?" Elliot looked at the group incredulously.

"The last time Olivia was in here I dropped by with some flowers and bumped into Jackie when I went into her room. You two actually looked quite cozy. Anyway, I got talking to her and she mentioned something about how everyone thought that you two should be together or something."

"What do you mean 'you two'?" Elliot asked.

"You and Olivia were all cuddled up. Both of you seemed dead to the world but you looked happy." This was Don's 'subtle' hinting.

"Don, I don't think that Elliot was talking about that. I think there's something else." Casey prodded as she took the flowers from Don and walked around the room, looking for some vases, quickly spotting a couple on a shelf. She returned to the bedside table and began arranging the flowers in them. She looked up to see four sets of eyes on her, "What?"

"Are you going to go any further with that comment counselor? Munch asked.

"Ask him." Casey shifted her gaze to Elliot before dropping it back to fix the flowers.

"What, because she says something it has to be true?" Elliot asked sarcastically.

"No, but call it hunch." Don sat in the seat next to Elliot.

"Nothing happened." Elliot rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and the blue m&m's aren't really tracking devices used by the CIA." Munch shook his head.

"So that's why you don't eat the blue ones." Casey mused.

"Seriously, nothing happened…much…" Elliot said the last part under his breath but Don caught it.

"Much?"

Elliot was tired of this game now, "Yes, 'much'!"

"You're in, Man!" Fin spoke for the first time since entering the room.

Everyone just glared at him.

"Okay, this is a little weird. I'd really rather not talk about this."

"Talk about what?" Olivia looked around the room groggily.

"Nothing, don't worry. How are you feeling?" Elliot spoke before anyone else got a chance.

"Sore." Olivia looked down at her chest then back up at Elliot, the memories of what happened before floating back, "Trying to cop a feel there Stabler?" Olivia grinned.

"You know it, Benson." Elliot grinned back.

Jackie burst into the room moments later.

"I've got your blood results; congratulations; you're pregnant!" Jackie was wearing that shit-eating grin again.

"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted simultaneously.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. It says you're cleared for any infection that you might have sustained through the wound…for now anyway."

"Jackie, don't you ever do that again! I think you might have given Cragen, and possibly Munch, a heart attack. Plus you scared the shit out of the rest of us!" Elliot warned.

"I try, I try." Jackie took a bow.

"Didn't scare me." Olivia grinned, "I very much doubt I could possibly be pregnant."

_I could fix that…SHUT UP STABLER!!_

"What was that Elliot?" Cragen asked.

_Did I say that out loud?_

"Uh- nothing, don't worry." Elliot smiled sheepishly.

**I made this chapter a little longer than the last…by like 100 words. Lol.**

**I was asleep in music the other day and this thought came to me…yes, I was asleep and was thinking- Anyway, I was thinking that orange juice shouldn't come in 5ooml bottles. I had 1 at recess and then another at lunch – that's a litre in one day!**

**Oh also…this one time me and my sister and two cousins and uncle were at the beach and my sister picked up a 'blue ringed octopus' – for anyone who doesn't know what that is; it's an octopus about the size of your palm and when it gets pissed it's skin starts to show these electric blue rings – then it bites you - if it bites you it can kill you within a minute – that's just for an adult. Anyway, she picked it up in a clump of sand coz I told her too and basically saved her life (we could see the rings going blue). So I figured – life is too short not to review.**

…**SO REVIEW!!**

**;D**

**Yes, I know. I used a story that could have resulted in death to get reviews but it's true –Life is too short not to tell someone who you feel…HINT HINT!!**


	14. 4am

**Author's note-**

**Has anyone ever noticed that Olivia and Dean aren't mean't to be?**

**I have several good reasons:**

**1. They don't have the same chemistry as Elliot and Olivia.**

**2. The height difference isn't right.**

**3. Their initials don't fit right. I mean seriously, since when has O.D stood for anything good??**

**4. Dean sucks.**

**5. EO.**

**I'll add more in the next chapter.**

**Anyway, here it is: Chapter 14.**

**Disclaimer: I AM STILL BROKE!! So, I don't own any of the characters you recognize.**

* * *

Olivia sat awake in her hospital room, the low green glow of the 'exit' signs in the corridor, her only light.

4am was a time that people should be sleeping. Not one where someone should be lying awake with an urge which she was finding hard to suppress. The fact that one of the nurses, Marilyn, had left the standard issue hospital scissors on her bedside table after fixing her bandage again had not gone un-noticed by Olivia. She had stared at them for half the afternoon. She had tried to force her eyes away from them but they didn't go away, she knew they were still there.

She was glad Elliot had gone home to have a shower and change. He had been by her side for god knows how long. Since he was gone it had meant that he hadn't seen her eyeing the metallic object all afternoon.

He had come back around eight that night. He had a chicken salad roll and a cup of black tea with him as well as a cup of coffee and a turkey roll.

Olivia was so grateful. She quickly scoffed the roll and drank her tea slowly, letting the warm liquid seep down her throat and finishing with a satisfied sigh.

The wrappers and cups from their dinner were long gone; hours ago with the cleaners who had finished' their floor by maybe eleven thirty.

The temptation finally became too much. She quietly swiped the cold object from the night stand and expertly flicked the handle away so the two blades spread far.

Olivia lightly lifted the covers and pulled her gown up higher on her legs so her thighs were revealed. She delicately traced several of the scars which ran across the tops and insides and outsides of her thighs. She decided on the inside of her thigh. It was less likely to be seen by one of the doctors or be poked and prodded." She gently set the blade pressed against her skin before dragging it heavily across her skin. The blood began to seep out, slow and sickly at first.

Olivia's desired effect wasn't achieved so she moved the inside of her knee, where it meets her calf. Olivia made a small slice and got the rush she was wanting. Turning her attention back to her inner thigh she quickly realised that if she stayed in the bed any longer she would get blood on the sheets.

She quickly reached over to the night stand to get a Kleenex. The tissue box was out of her grasp so she leant over further, now pressing her hand on the gash, silently cursing herself for cutting so close to an artery. She almost had the tissues; the edge of one was brushing her fingertips. She reached a little further, successfully grasping a Kleenex in her fist. Her victory was short lived as she fell from the bed, effectively crashing to the floor and ripping out her IV in the process. Olivia cursed again, out loud this time, which brought Elliot from his slumber and quickly to her side.

'You okay, Liv?" Elliot asked quietly.

Olivia quickly picked herself up from the floor and brushed her gown down over her legs, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to the bathroom."

Olivia quickly headed in the direction of the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. She unraveled some toilet paper from the roll and blotted the cut on her leg which was now beginning to clot. Olivia wiped the blood which had trickled down her leg with some wet toilet paper before directing her attention to the blood on her hands. She quickly washed them under the cool tap water before drying them and unlocking the bathroom door. Olivia quietly tiptoed back to her bed and slipped under the covers.

"Where did the blood on your gown come from?" Elliot asked, his eyes still closed.

"Huh?" Olivia froze.

Elliot opened his eyes, "The blood." He pointed to the red smear on Olivia's gown.

Olivia quickly pulled the covers up, "Uh-uh-um" Olivia stuttered and bit her lip, "It's from where my drip came out – I should probably get the nurse to fix it up."

"Oh okay."

Olivia pressed the red call button and sighed in relief. About thirty seconds later a nurse walked in.

"I accidentally ripped my IV out." Olivia told her.

The nurse nodded and began to hook Olivia's IV back up before leaving the room.

Olivia sank back into her pillow and fell asleep once again, with Elliot in the chair beside her.

---

It was one in the afternoon before Olivia woke again. She looked up to find Elliot looking down at her. She could immediately tell he wasn't happy. He looked a little dejected but mostly disappointed. Olivia's stomach muscles coiled in apprehension.

"Morning." Olivia stretched and yawned.

"Afternoon actually." Elliot corrected her coldly.

"Oh." Olivia brought her arms back under the covers.

"You did it again." Not a question, just a comment.

Olivia remained silent. She didn't have the heart to look at him.

"It wasn't from your drip; the blood? Was it?" Elliot asked quietly.

Olivia held her breath.

"Don't even think about lying to me, Olivia." Elliot warned, "You're lucky I found the scissors and not one of the nurses."

That made Olivia look at him. She felt her eyes well as she saw the fire in Elliot's eyes. It wasn't the fire of anger but one of a candle that's been burned too many times.

"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered as she looked down.

Elliot wouldn't have known she had uttered the words unless he hadn't seen her lips moving.

"Why Olivia? Why are you sorry?" Elliot asked in a whisper.

Olivia shrugged slightly.

"Why did you do it then?" Elliot asked in a whisper again.

"It's like an addiction. You get a rush and it stabilizes everything." Olivia murmured, "They were sitting there. All day. I stopped myself. I stopped myself all day and I swear to you I tried. I tried Elliot." Olivia's voice became stronger as she went on, "I tried my hardest not to but that stupid nurse left them here. I woke up at 4am and began thinking about all the stuff that's happened and it's just not hard to ask 'why me?' and I tried." Olivia was beginning to choke on her words as she tried to hold back the tears, the lump in her throat making it increasingly harder to speak, "I tried so hard not to but when I touched them and knew what they did I couldn't stop." Olivia was struggling now. The lump in her throat felt huge and taking deep breaths wasn't helping.

Finally it was a hiccup that broke the frontier and left tears unchecked, rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Olivia whispered.

_He's going to hate me._

"Liv, I think you should talk to Huang." Elliot sighed.

"No. I don't need to see a shrink!" Olivia's emotions were going hay wire, "It's my body!"

"Olivia, calm down." Elliot said gently.

"It's just that everything is so confusing in my brain right now but pain is pain. You can't confuse that with anything else." Olivia sighed, "Pain is pain."

"Olivia, I think you should have a psyche evaluation." Elliot was a little hesitant but if Olivia wasn't going to accept help from him she needed to accept it from somebody.

"I'm not crazy." Olivia rubbed her eyes, the emotion rollercoaster was taking its toll.

"I know, Liv, but please just do it for me?" Elliot asked, hopeful.

"Fine." Olivia conceded with a huff.

Elliot made all the necessary calls and Huang was at the hospital and in Olivia's room by 3pm.

"I'm going to wait outside, okay?" Elliot asked.

Olivia nodded and Elliot left the room.

"Olivia, why did Elliot call me here?" Huang began.

"You know why." Olivia shrugged with a little ice.

"He said he thought you needed a psyche evaluation but he wouldn't let me put it on your record. So why did he want the evaluation done?"

Olivia thought for a moment then decided if it wasn't going on her record she may as well tell him. Olivia didn't speak but instead pushed back the covers and showed Huang her legs from a bit above her knees down.

"Olivia." Huang sighed.

Olivia just closed her eyes, wiling herself to be somewhere else – anywhere other than here.

"Why do you do it?"

"It makes me feel better." Olivia answered honestly.

"Why does it make you feel better?"

"Because it's less complicated. My heading isn't swirling with different thoughts. I don't need to think about what I'm feeling because pain is pain."

"What are you feeling when you're not feeling pain?" Huang asked patiently.

"Confused." Olivia sighed.

"Why do you feel confused?"

"I don't know. I don't know what else to feel."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. What do you feel confused about?"

"Everything."

"Like work?" Huang began fishing.

"No, work is straight forward."

"About life at home?"

Olivia shrugged.

"What about when you were a kid?"

"My mother was a drunk, my father is a rapist and I'm a failure." Olivia let the words slip without meaning to.

"Is that what you really think? That you're a failure?"

"I guess."

"Why do you think you're a failure?"

"I can't even look after myself. I'm a detective for sex crimes and I got fucking ra-" Olivia stopped mid-sentence – She hadn't meant for that to slip out.

"Raped?"

Olivia looked to the floor and nodded.

"When were you raped, Olivia?" Huang asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Two and a half months ago." Olivia answered sharply.

"Was the man apprehended?"

"Yes."

"You know it's not your fault that you were raped, right Olivia?"

Olivia paused for a moment, "Yes."

"But you feel like it was?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. No. I don't know." Olivia shook her head, "Urgh, I'm so screwed up."

"If you're screwed up then why do so many people respect you?."

"I'm a cop."

"Do think maybe people respect you because of your resilience?" Huang asked.

Olivia remained silent but fiddled with her bed sheets.

"Okay, well I'm going to see you later Olivia." With that said, Huang got up and left the room.

He found Elliot outside on an uncomfortable plastic chair.

"What have you got for us doc?" Elliot asked, trying to sound cheerful.

"Well…"

* * *

**You can't kill me yet for my slowness.**

**I have to finish the story first - REVIEW!!**

**Because you love me.**

**Fun fact - On average, women dream more than men.**


	15. Drips and Dramas

**Author's note - **

**I thought I'd give you the next chapter before I went to school so you wouldn't die from suspense.**

**Aren't I considerate.**

**Lol.**

**Anyway, here is chapter 15. I should probably inform you that I have no end in sight but when I do you'll be the first to know.**

**Disclaimer: I said it before and I'll say it again - I don't own it. Never have and possibly never will unless I win the lottery or rob several banks.**

**Enjoy...**

* * *

The all too familiar pang in her chest notified Olivia of an on coming anxiety attack. She tried to hold her composure but knew she was fighting a losing battle when her breath came as a shuddering gasp.

Then another.

And another.

_Oh god, he was analyzing her. He was going to walk out there to Elliot and tell him she was crazy. Maybe she was crazy?_

_Oh god._

Olivia's stomach began to knot and she felt like she was going to be sick.

_Breathe, Just breathe…_

Olivia tried to inhale and exhale slowly but the gasping breaths followed, each inhaling but not exhaling.

She involuntarily held her breath before releasing deeply and repeating the process.

_Oh god._

She was going to be sick.

She quickly got out of bed, ignoring the small IV tugging at the back of her hand and the stitches pulling at her shoulder as if warning her that the nurse will be mad with her for getting up from the bed. She grabbed the stand that the bag of liquefied antibiotics hung from and staggered into the bathroom. She reached the toilet just in time to wretch into the bowl and leave her offering to the porcelain gods.

She threw up breakfast, lunch as well as a bit of last night's dinner which appeared to involve carrots and some greeny vegetable.

Olivia dragged herself from the bowl and hit the flush on the toilet before the smell rose to her nose and made her want to gag once again. She sat against the cool tiles of the shower and rested so her cheek was pressed against the cold surface, chilling her skin pleasantly.

All of a sudden her haggard breathing started up again, more ferocious than last. The motion of inhaling and exhaling so fast was causing her stomach muscles to tense and become sore.

Olivia tried to calm herself but her head was spinning and the fight to hold down more of dinner was beginning to take its toll as her head span.

She flipped the tap of the shower and let the water run over her shaking body only to feel the world getting darker from the pure exhaustion of breathing.

_He was going to know everything._

Olivia's last thought before the world became black and silent.

---

"Olivia has post-traumatic stress disorder as well as depression. I also think she may have an anxiety disorder because of the way she talked about the cutting." Huang sighed.

Elliot scrubbed his hand over his face and let out a low shaky breath.

"What do we do?" He sighed.

"Well, I think counseling would help but if Olivia refuses I think the pressure to do so might make it worse. She could also try an assortment of medication but I'm not sure about that either. I think our best bet would be counseling because she seemed to talk to me easily enough." Huang reasoned, "Most patients are against the idea of counseling but quickly warm to it after a few sessions. Contrary to common belief; counseling does actually help."

"I know." Elliot sighed – and he did, all too well in fact.

"I'm going to see how she's faring up." Elliot walked to Olivia's door, "Thanks doc."

"Not a problem Elliot." With all said and done for now, Huang turned and headed for the dull green exit sign hanging above the door way.

Elliot pushed the door open and slipped in side to notice Olivia's disheveled sheets.

"Liv?" Elliot called out nervously.

"Olivia?"

Elliot heard the running water in the bathroom but noticed the door was open, he also saw part of Olivia sprawled across the floor. He quickly shoved the door open and stared in horror at Olivia, rested against the wall, eyes closed and lightly breathing.

He reached for the shower and shoved the tap back down to 'off' before reaching down and touching Olivia's face.

"Elliot?" Olivia began to stir.

"Olivia, what did you do?" Elliot asked in a slow calm voice.

"I panicked and I felt sick." Olivia told him, her eyes still closed, "I was too hot and I felt sick."

Olivia's voice had changed. It was like she wasn't the one speaking.

"You felt sick?" Elliot asked incredulously.

"Hmmm…" Olivia sighed, "I'm cold Elliot."

"Hang on a sec, okay?" Elliot left quickly and grabbed a towel from inside Olivia's room.

He returned and watched as Olivia shifted to a more comfortable position against the wall; she was going to have no recollection of this later what-so-ever and he knew it.

Trying his hardest to ignore the fact that the white cotton gown that the hospital had provided for her had gone see-through, Elliot moved Olivia forward slightly and draped the towel around her before lifting her and carrying her into the hospital room and back to her bed.

Olivia had hung her arms around Elliot's neck and had her head resting against his chest.

Elliot sat down on the bed and held the now pretty much soaked towel, closer around Olivia. He scooted further back to se could lean against the raised head of the bed and rested his head against the pillows.

"It's okay, Liv. You're okay." Elliot soothed, knowing she was already asleep by the sound of her lightly snoring accompanied by the gentle warm breath that caressed his neck every three seconds or so.

He sat and whispered the words over and over until his brain and lips could no longer comply with each other and the words turned to quiet murmuring breaths before conceding to the deep breathing of a much needed sleep.

* * *

**Hahahahahahaha!!!**

**I can't help but laugh and feel extremely proud of myself.**

**I did a new chapter and still managed to keep the cliffie until halfway through!!**

**Lol.**

**I know - you want to kill me.**

**I'd want to kill me too.**

**Anyway, I said I'd give you some more reason's as to why Olivia and Dean are a crappy crappy CRAPPY couple:**

**6. His coat is funny and he tried to get into Olivia's pants on like their 5th meeting or something - Needing to hide from IAB my arse!!**

**7. Olivia hearts Elliot.**

**8. Elliot hearts Olivia back.**

**9. Two words: Sexual Tension.**

**10. EO LOVE FOREVER, man.**

**So there, ten reasons.**

**Useless piece of information: Butterflies taste with their feet.**

**So, There's your daily dose of fanfiction entertainment to get you through...maybe almost daily dose.**

**Anyway, REVIEW!!**


	16. Slamming Doors & Silence Falls

**Author's note - **

**Okay, as you may very well know I live in Australia. If you don't know where that is get a giant globe - because they're more fun than an atlas - and look for the big arse island in the southern hemisphere.**

**That's us.**

**Now, we don't get to see SVU season 9 until February or something - yes, it sucks!**

**So, I was looking on youtube today and I found "The Hug" as it has been dubbed and let me say:**

**OMG!! OMFG!!**

**BEST ENDING EVER!!**

**This makes up for screwing around with everyone down here in the episode 'burned'. They implied a kiss. It didn't hapen. I went crazy.**

**Anyway, here is chapter 16.**

**Wow, 16 chapters.**

**Lol.**

**So, this is for CCWaT for being my 200th reviewer.**

**-throws streamers-**

**Disclaimer: -Jumps up and down- I found season 1 on DVD and are probably getting it for christmas!! Yay!! At least I'll own that... but not anything else -cry-.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Jackie walked into Olivia's room and almost slipped when she walked past her bed. She noticed little splashes of water leading from the bathroom door. She looked back to Olivia before pushing the door open to reveal a little-less-than-drenched coral blue linoleum floor.

"What the hell?" Jackie furrowed her burrow, mumbling to her self.

She walked back into Olivia's room and took in more detail than the original first glance. Olivia was wrapped in a blue and white hospital towel as well as Elliot's arms. Her hair was dripping gently onto the white bed sheets and also running droplets down her cheek before dropping from her chin onto Elliot's shirt where he would probably assume she had drooled. Olivia was practically lying on top of Elliot and had probably soaked him too. Jackie decided it probably wouldn't be the best circumstances for Olivia to wake up soaking wet in her hospital gown and a small towel – Jackie knew how this those cotton gowns are. She quietly made her way over to Olivia and rubbed her shoulder in an effort to wake her.

"Olivia?"

"Elliot?" Olivia mumbled as she shifted her wait a little.

"No, it's Jackie." Jackie whispered.

"Huh?" Olivia opened her eyes and turned to look at Jackie before looking down at her position, "What happened?"

"You got abducted by aliens." Jackie said with a serious face.

Olivia cracked a smile, "Munch would like you."

Jackie wore a confused expression but didn't ask, "How am I supposed to know what happened? You're the one who's soaking wet."

"And? Just because I'm the one who's wet doesn't mean that I know what happened either." Olivia protested.

She was going into defensive mode.

"Right." Jackie nodded once.

"I don-" Olivia stopped, as soon as she began to say the words her memory sprang to life, pulling bits and pieces from everywhere reminding her of the panic she had gone into as well as Huang and Elliot.

"Fuck." Olivia sighed as she dropped her head on to Elliot's chest with a dull thud.

_Double fuck._

Elliot stirred slightly but didn't wake.

Olivia gently pushed herself off Elliot so she was now sitting on the edge of the bed and pulled the towel around her tighter.

"I had a panic attack and threw up in the bathroom. I was over heating so I just hit the tap on the shower before I guess I passed out." Olivia said quietly.

"Honey, why are you having panic attacks?" Jackie asked just as quietly.

"God, I'm crazy." Olivia sighed sadly, resting her head in her hands.

"You're not crazy." Jackie said defiantly.

Olivia just shook her head.

"Honey, you're not. Why would you think that?" Jackie sat next to Olivia, moving Elliot's leg out of the road in the process.

Olivia remained silent, words too painful to speak.

Jackie put a comforting arm around Olivia and pulled her closer to her.

Olivia rested her head on Jackie's shoulder and let out a shaky breath. She began to hitch up the hem of her still damp gown to reveal the cut she had made the night before to Jackie.

"Olivia, that doesn't make you crazy."

Olivia dropped the hem of the gown and fiddled with a loose thread on the towel.

"What does it make me?"

_Tug. Twirl._

"Closed up."

_Tug. Tug. Tug._

"Desperate."

_Twirl. Tug. Twirl. Tug. Tug._

"Lonely."

_Pull. Snap._

"I know." Olivia sighed.

She did know all this. She knew this long ago. Before any of _this_ happened.

Olivia twirled the small thread into a ball before rolling it between her fingertips.

"Why can't I stop though?"

"I don't know." Olivia felt Jackie shrug, "Maybe you're just not ready yet."

Olivia sighed, content with this answer.

"Maybe not."

"You just need to take care of _yourself_, Olivia. _You _are the number one priority." Jackie told her.

Olivia felt Elliot stir behind her as Jackie stood.

"I'll be back a bit later." Jackie left the room without a second glance.

"Morning." Elliot stretched his arms above his head.

Olivia turned to face him.

"Actually, I think it's about 5:30 in the afternoon."

"Oh."

She couldn't be in such a close proximity to him and only think about herself.

His smell.

His touch.

His taste.

His voice.

His eyes.

His eyes were amazing. Blue. Bright sparkling serene blue. Not just blue though. They were grey and dark as midnight or the blue of dark storm clouds. The colour of the ocean in the middle of winter. The colour of the sky in summer. They told a story and could make you feel. They could make you hope. And that, that was something Olivia feared most.

Hope.

She couldn't hope because to hope it meant that she'd have to have dreams and with dreams comes disappointment and that was something she couldn't deal with. Disappointment. Fourteen letters. Four syllables. And in most cases; one meaning.

Hurt.

Olivia couldn't get hurt. Not again.

Not after what her mother put her through.

Not after what Jeffery Karen put her through.

If Elliot hurt her it wouldn't just be hurt it would be anguish.

Pure anguish.

And she couldn't handle that.

Not from him.

It took all her strength too look in those beautiful eyes.

"Please go." She whispered, her voice betraying her.

"What?" Elliot was confused.

"Please just go." Olivia could feel the words choking up in her throat, being squished by the lump that was beginning to from there along with the tears that were springing to her eyes.

Elliot sat up.

"Olivia-?"

"Elliot?"

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked, touching her shoulder.

Touching. Her.

"Elliot, please can you go?" Olivia tried to make her voice strong or at least sound it but she was struggling.

"Why?"

"I need you to go."

"But why?"

Elliot didn't understand.

She had to make him understand.

She had to make him leave.

"Because I don't want you here."

"Why, Olivia?" Elliot furrowed his brow.

"Because I don't love you!"

_Fuck._

Where had that come from?

She wasn't even sure he even liked her that way.

"What!?"

He looked hurt.

"Just fuck off Elliot. I need you to leave. Now." Olivia fought her tears with ferocity and for now, she was winning.

"What the fuck Olivia!?" Elliot stood from the bed and looked down at her.

"JUST FUCK OFF!!" Olivia screeched.

"WHY!?" Elliot yelled in return.

"YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING CHAUVENIST!?"

"SINCE WHEN!?"

"YOU'RE A PRICK!"

"WHAT!?"

"I HATE YOU!" Olivia screamed.

Silence.

The room was silent.

Just like that.

"Fine. Have a nice life Olivia." Elliot whispered.

"You too, fuck-wit!" Olivia replied.

With that Elliot turned and left, slamming the door behind him.

Silence left in his wake.

* * *

**Wow, didn't see that coming did you?**

**Bet you're sitting here thinking:**

**'Shit.'**

**or**

**'YOU BITCH!' (to me)**

**Lol.**

**I'm so mean but I felt like it wasn't going anywhere. I mean she's been stuck in the hospital for a while now. Chapter 17 will still be at the hospital but chapter 18 will be like "_1 month later..."..._Maybe. I might just go to_ "1 month later..."_ halfway through chapter 17.**

**...I don't know.**

**Now, I'm going to use my powers of deduction...**

**_-_wiggles fingers in your general direction_- _**

**REVIEW!! You know you want too!!**

**WOO00000oooooo0000OOO00000oooooo000000OOOO00000oooooo00000OOOOO...**

**-wiggles fingers more-**

**Love,**

**Curses**


	17. Chinese, Casey & Icecream

**Author's note - **

**I know it's been over a month but you'll all live. I update and you should all do much rejoicing.**

**This is for NettieC - Start the week fresh.**

**Disclaimer - I finally got season 1 and 2. So I'm happy...for now...I'll own it one day...you'll see!!**

**Enjoy chapter 17...**

* * *

It had been a week.

A whole week.

Seven Days and way too many hours to work out.

She had gone seven days without seeing, breathing, touching, holding or feeling Elliot Stabler.

All in all she felt like crap.

Not just a little bit crap but a lot crap.

She told the man she hated him. HATED!? What was she thinking? Oh yes, that she was crazy all ready and what did it matter if she went and did crazy things. Truth was – it mattered a lot because telling your best friend/the man you love that you hate him might just make said person hate you too.

Olivia was sure she had accomplished just that.

She paced her living room, glass of red wine on hand as she stared at her phone which was in the other. She'd dial his number then hit cancel then dial again.

God, she was an idiot. He was never going to forgive her. Never, ever, ever. What was she going to do without him? She was going to suffocate. That's what was going to happen. She would suffocate because he was her air. She lived and breathed the man and some how she had survived a week.

Sure, she had gone longer when she was undercover but even then he had invaded her dreams – that wasn't good.

Olivia took a sip of her wine and decided on dialing a different number. She put down her glass and quickly found her mobile, quickly scrolling through and finding just what she was looking for. She punched the numbers into her phones key pad and waited.

"Hi, this is Jackie." Jackie's light voice answered the phone.

"Um, hey Jackie, it's Olivia fr-" Olivia was cut off.

"Oh hey Olivia, what's up?"

"Um, not a lot. I was wondering if you wanted to meet for coffee or something?" Olivia asked nervously.

"Where are you now?" Jackie asked.

"My apartment. Why?" Olivia furrowed her brow.

"Oh cool, how 'bout I come there?" Jackie's chipper voice sounded down the phone.

"Um, sure." Olivia gave Jackie her address and went back and sat on the couch.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The sharp knock on her door made Olivia jump and break out of her trance. She shook her head and quickly made her way to the door, looking through the peephole before opening it to reveal Jackie.

"Hi Olivia." Jackie quickly hugged the women who she considered a friend before letting go and walking into Olivia's apartment, "Nice place."

"Thanks." Olivia smiled.

"So what made you call me up?" Jackie inquired as she dropped onto the couch.

"I fucked up. Big time." Olivia sighed, dropping down next to Jackie.

"How?" Jackie asked.

"I sort of told Elliot I hate him." Olivia bit her lip.

"You told Detective Blue Eyes that you hate him!?" Jackie looked shocked.

"I couldn't deal with him being around me all the time, I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe and the ironic thing is it's harder to breathe now when I haven't seen him for a week than it ever was and I hate him for it." Olivia was almost in tears at the end of her quick rant.

"Oh Honey, that's not his fault. He's probably going insane without you as well." Jackie smiled.

"But I need to be able to breathe without him because if I ever lose him I don't know what I'd do and I can't live in fear like that. Cutting is bad enough but if I lost him…" Olivia's tears had overflowed as she confessed her fears to this woman who she barely knew.

"Oh, god Liv; come here." Jackie pulled Olivia into a tight hug, letting Olivia cry into her shoulder, "You're not going to lose him, he'd never leave you. You two have this connection. You only have to be in a room for two seconds to feel it and if he ever died he wouldn't want you to kill yourself over him. He loves you and he'd want you to live your life and be happy. I know that sounds hard but when your time comes you two could be together for the rest of eternity. As long as you have that you don't need to rush just to be with him because once the time comes you won't ever have to leave him again." Jackie gently rocked as she talked, "You shouldn't worry about these things, I know you're cops and it's in the job description but shit happens and life goes on and I know it may feel like that life has just kicked you in the balls…not that you have any balls but whatever, life does go on, Sweetheart." Jackie leaned back to look at Olivia.

"I know but I just…" Olivia trailed off.

"Honey, make the most of the time you have with him now. If you're so in fear of losing him why are you waiting so long to make a move? Life's too short, Darl. If anyone's dropping dead anytime soon, it's you. Don't you get it? Twice in a week you almost died. Isn't that saying something?" Jackie raised an eyebrow, "You're so in fear of losing him – what if he loses you? He's been by your bed the whole time, he's been by you. He hasn't ever left you, Sweetheart." Jackie held Olivia by the shoulders.

Her words hit Olivia like a ton of bricks.

_She_ had left him after Gitano, _she_ had left him for the FBI, _she_ had almost left him when she cut too deep that time, _she _had almost left him when she was shot and _she _had left him when she told him she hated him.

"Oh, god I'm an idiot!" Olivia whispered.

"No, Honey. You didn't know. People don't see these things usually until it's too late. It's not too late for you two. You have a chance but you need to call him." Jackie smiled sadly.

"You don't understand. Some of the stuff I said to him was _really _horrible. I mean, it's worse than anything I've ever said and-" Olivia just stopped, her brain was overloading and she couldn't hack it.

Her left knee began to bounce as she fought for control in her mind.

Jackie noticed immediately, "How many times?"

"How many times what?" Olivia asked.

"How many times have you cut yourself this week?" Jackie asked quietly.

Olivia's knee stopped bouncy instantly. She didn't want to answer, she couldn't; instead she just rolled up her pants. Olivia looked away as she rested her foot on her coffee table and let Jackie see the cuts running up her leg.

"Why did you do them?" Jackie asked; no disappointment in her voice, no harshness, no insinuations, just a question.

Olivia shrugged, "Different reasons. I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't work them out and I knew this works and it just happened. Another time I just felt really depressed, really, really depressed."

"You can't troll everything in life, Liv. You just need to breathe through it and slow down for a moment. Even if it takes fifteen minutes or something, just stop and breathe." Jackie picked up Olivia's wine, "Do you mind?"

"No." Olivia shook her head.

Jackie had a sip of Olivia's wine before placing it back down on the glass table and looking at Olivia, "You need to call him."

"No. It's not happening, not tonight." Olivia shook her head again.

"Then we need to have a girls' night in. Do you have anything I can sleep in?" Jackie asked, grinning.

"Uh, yeah sure." Olivia's brow furrowed.

"Okay, you go get that, I'll order some Chinese and call that other woman – Casey or whatever and get her to come over and get her to bring some ice-cream as well."

* * *

**I was going to write more but I just got told to go to bed by my very crany, tired mother at...1:26am so I should probably do that.**

**Sorry this took so long but I litterally only started writing the chapter around 12am this morning...like 1 hour and 27 minutes ago.**

**Anyway, I had a mango war on friday (I backed in to a wall and thought I broke my hand - it hurt like a bitch but it's just bruised - yay!!) ****Me and my friend were throwing mango skin at each other in the kitchen and it got very messy. We were very yellow and sticky. You should review coz I've still got plenty of mango!!**

**Lots of love,**

**Curses...**


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